[Horoscopes] Ernold Sane

Virgo
You’re tired of meeting new people and explaining how much better you are than them. As the end of summer draws near you’ll realize that these people aren’t worth the spit on your toothbrush or the scabs you pick off your face. Turn your back on these people like Mel Gibson to the Jews and you are destined to mild happiness.

Libra
The summer has improved your blotchy tan and taken the attention away from your thin greasy hair and missing chin. However whenever you walk into a room everyone can smell your dirty dungeon you dirt-bag. Shower twice a day and try to look less like a rapist.

Scorpio
Your lies are circling all around you to the point where you actually believe people would want to have a threesome with you! Get over yourself, ugly. You’re repulsive and the only threesome you’d be welcomed into would be in a Cambodian monkey’s den and even THEY would throw feces at you.

Sagittarius
So you think 90210 is cool? Well aren’t you a fucking genius. Luke Perry will always be ultra-cooler than you because he too was a middleaged man with a whisky chin trying to pick up 19 year olds by luring them with drugs. Party on, you irrelevant weasel!

Capricorn
If I was your Dad, when you were two I would have locked you in the car withthe windows up and let you sweat to 1920’s gospel music. This is because today you are the most ungodly pile of dogshit with nothing to look forward to but cancer.

Aquarius
You don’t drink for fun, you drink to piss. You should piss off. You’re a piss stain. With Saturn in Jupiter you have strongly dedicated your time towards befriending the lower grade scenesters (known to others as snakes on a plane). You are the Bai Ling of the city and you’ve slept with the ugliest people to get to the bottom of the pile.

Pisces
You’ve been financially happy and you’ve taken the time to splurge on yourself. Hopefully the hooker wasn’t lying when she said she was clean. As summer winds down, you’ll lose about 15lbs and your tan will fade to forest green.

Aries
With your current job and goals for the future, you should hit freedom 50 at about 106. Keep plugging in that overtime and stealing tip money from your co-workers. They all call you ‘fat Britney’ so don’t feel too bad.

Taurus
Your overdone rocker look is draining to look at and quite frankly you look like Dave Navarro or one of his sex victims. Flush your face down the toilet and continue to never wash your poo fingers when you crap.

Gemini
Tom Cruise is creepier now than when he was in Interview with a Vampire. You are creepy but you just don’t know it. Whenever you talk about sex you think it’s turning your friends on, but it’s disgusting and you need to stop. Bloody underwear is more stimulating than your sex life.

Cancer
Your loss of weight has helped you accomplish the AIDS look you were reaching for. Unfortunately no one cares if you’re dead or not coz you’re a crap waste of skin who has The Killers as number one on their list of bands to groupie. You’ll always be a groupie.

Leo
You’ll probably never marry. At least you can come to terms with the fact that no one is capable of loving you or caring enough about how many fake friends you have on the Internet. But it’s okay. Because when your life comes to a slow end, all your MySpace bulletins will be looked over. by God and he’ll give you a clean neck scarf.