[Horoscopes] Ernold Sane

Scorpio
As the Autumn leaves fall and coat the ground, so is the hair dropping out of your crusty scalp. As the leaves turn to autumn brown, your orange spray-tan skin turns to forest green. Your head is as dried and cratered as the Gaza strip and just as many people are fleeing the area. Your native name would be flakey dried skull weasel.

Sagittarius
You’ve achieved your broke artist look, although you look more like a homeless banker than a woolly jumpered bearded shoplifter. Your attempt at cool is weak and watered down, a lot like the ghb-laced cocktails you keep trying to force on girls. Six hurricanes couldn’t clean off a dirtbag like you.

Capricorn
Your pathetic career as a “musician” is quickly coming to an end. They’ve thrown you out like the smelly piece of trash that you are and, soon, your lover will smell your sour vag and do the same. So find a rock that you can’t possibly smoke and throw your stanky posh ‘pannies’ under it.

Aquarius
As summer comes to a close, so will your relationship with that super hot whore you’ve been trading scabies with. You deserve to be slapped out of town coz no one likes you. It’s time to pack your bundle you fucking hobo. So make like Evangeline Lilly and get LOST.

Pisces
Nice fucking crocs you rubber shoe wearing pile of liquid shit. You’re not from Holland; if you were your face would look like a toilet after Carney Wilson dropped two shit bags inside it. Keep listening to your Feist CD and burning Nag Champa incense until your purple and orange dreads don’t stink.

Aries
You’ve been Googling earth a little too much and now you’ve drawn attention to yourself. The CIA wanna know why you’re so interested in searching ‘big hole’ in Baghdad and ‘targets’ in Israel. However, you’ll throw them off their investigation by constantly searching ‘Vice City.’

Taurus
It’s that time of year again! Hemorrhoids. Other than that things are pretty uneventful leading up to the middle of the month where you’ll encounter a break-in. Your possible attacker will fortunately see your hemorrhoids and scram leaving you bewildered, pantless and unsatisfied.

Gemini
You’ll have more luck finding love on Halloween than any other night this year. This is only because on Halloween everyone has a scabby face, shit make-up, a vintage odour, and they’re creepy. So you’ll fit right in along with your mum.

Cancer
If you left the city like we wish you would, you’d be missed as much as that annoying aussie crocodile loser. At least he played with death on a daily basis, you just moved STDs around your neighbourhood (except that one that made it over to Japan and killed three).

Libra
It’s time to get positive. That bagel butt look was never in so get a babysitter, hit the gym and work off those cottage cheese thighs. Halloween’s on Tuesday so don’t make it a cheat day. Don’t be all bitter balls and buttered rolls; at least you’ve got Craigslist.

Leo
Smoking is finally kicking in your impotence. It is also the reason that your underwear smells like broccoli. No point in quitting now, the amount of drugs in your system would make your baby look like a human hippo with down syndrome and a facial bullet wound. Keep it up or be let ‘down’.

Virgo
No need to rent that fat-suit for Halloween. Boom-baahda-boom-baahda. You’ll save so much cash on prosthetics this year that you’ll be able to afford the extra tranny hooker. She’s on her way back from Bangkok, with no cock, and she’s ready to paint the town red. Happy Halloweiner!