[Horoscopes] by Chris Alexander

Libra
Being a namby pamby even Steven has caused you no end of internal struggle, hasn’t it my level-headed beauty? October will see you tip the scales slightly in favour of your basest of instincts. Love will be found in prison. Money will be stashed under floorboards. Go to it, Libra!

Aries
Dearest goat head, when was the last time you were truly good to yourself? It’s no secret that you are one of the hardest working signs in the Zodiac and also the one least likely to act in his or her own self interest. The time is now, my friend, to pat yourself on the back for a myriad of jobs well done and do whatever the fuck you want. Visit a porn theatre without a raincoat and masturbate like no one’s watching….in other words, let loose.

Taurus
Listen up, my horned, steam-nosed, red-flagchasing friend: you’re doing just fine. October sees you celebrating all the bull – ish activities that bring such a broken-toothed smile to your cantankerous puss. After a solid month of literally, and figuratively stealing candies from screaming babies, prosperity will no doubt be yours. On matters of love: who needs to earn it when you can steal it?

Gemini
Like Faye Dunnaway in the last reel of Polanski’s Chinatown, life is always bitch-slapping you and asking you if she’s your sister, or your daughter, or….you get the picture. You exist in a shadowy realm of dualities, Gemini, and the coming months will see you able to perfect the role of both throat slashing serial killer and third world saving Missionary. Celebrate your innate fucked up-edness, revel in your madness. Be both her father and her lover.

Cancer
You don’t have it. As you were.

Leo
The myth of the Lion being a brave, ferocious and fearless leader is just that: a myth. Any National Geographic special will tell you that the so-called King of Beasts lives exclusively to sleep, eat and fornicate. So, please, don’t feel the need to perpetuate stereotypes—if you want to be a lazy, gluttonous, horny slob this month, by all means…indulge.

Virgo
Sweet Mary Mother of Moses, man (or woman, if such is the case). The world is a big, bold, beautiful, frightening, and yet tremendously exciting place. Why, then, do you opt to consistently wallow in the dankest chasms of Velveeta-coated misery? You make Poe look like Pikachu; make Byron almost Barney-esque…in short, you’re a miserable motherfucker. Do something about this grave situation post haste….

Scorpio
A family member is giving off weird signals, saying strange things and torturing small animals. But never fear, Scorpio, when the time comes, you’ll know what to do…as always. Aim for the head.

Sagittarius
Like your bi-species Astrological icon, you are a walking contradiction. And much like that aforementioned bow-wielding centaur, you have the capacity to be a genuine horse’s ass. However, the first step to fixing problems both personal and social is to admit your faults and to swim upstream from those impulses that make you so reviled by so many. If; however, you CANNOT repair the various damages you do, may I suggest a quick, painful self impalement on a picket fence? The choice is yours.

Capricorn
Money. It controls the world like a giant, green and fetid heart sustaining and tormenting every function with its manipulative powers. But you, Capricorn, are bigger than that. You have found a way to sink your talons into society’s hairy chest, to rip that pumping monetary muscle clean out and crush it into a bloody pulp. Good for you! Oh, and good luck with that whole homeless thing…..

Aquarius
This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius! The Age of Aquari-ussssssss…Aquari-usssssss!!! Everybody!

Pisces
My dear Pisces, you may smell like fish but never fear, I KNOW that you absolutely taste like chicken. That’s your secret. if only more people were aware of the sweet, succulent, Swiss Chalet goodness beneath that scaly exterior. Your task this month, should you chose to accept it, is to show the world your true flavour, be it KFC deep-fried, or Kenny Rogers wood roasted.

Words Chris Alexander

Chris Alexander is a Toronto film critic, music composer and media personality who knows far too much about horror and vintage exploitation movies to be considered even remotely healthy.