[Horoscopes] by Graham Clark

Sagittarius
You know those times when you wake up in a panic and realize you didn’t finish something really important and instead spent your time perfecting your keg stands? You know that feeling when your stomach is tied in knots just imagining the consequences and just before you deliver a poorly constructed excuse, you realize you have finished said project without even realizing it? Today will be the exact opposite of that.

Aries
Aries, talk about celebrity company! Your dynamic sign is shared by the likes of director Francis Ford Coppola, talk show host David Letterman, and Astronaut James Lovell. Bet you think, “It’s good to be Aries!” Well watch yourself. Ever hear of Rosie O’ Donnell? What about Fergie? And who was that other guy…oh yeah, Hitler. Think about it. I know I have.

Taurus
You will meet some new and exciting friends. They will pull you out of your slump where you’ve spent nights watching the full series DVDs of Dharma and Greg. You have arrived. That is until they begin discussing their favourite characters from High School Musical and you feel so old your eyes turn to dust.

Gemini
You’ve got to get your shit together Gemini! Putting dishes in the tub just because you ran out of room in the sink isn’t for adults. Don’t even get me started on the dishes on the lawn. Sorry. I lost my head there. I just wanted a clean glass without all the effort of cleaning one out. We cool?

Cancer
You will be asked to write horoscopes for a magazine you’re not completely sure exists. When asked you are naturally flattered and accept. Beware! You have no idea what you’re doing. Who are you to write the future? What if you write the future incorrectly, and it affects the past too, and you were never born? Just say no.

Leo
Sure, shoplifting seems glamorous. All the greats have done it, from Leonardo to Gauguin to ODB. This is your time to call on your five little friends for the discount you deserve. Start small. Nothing looks worse than an amateur stealing a hibachi on their first try Remember what Rimbaud said – “a stick of gum, a plum, or sample sized rum!”

Virgo
Virgos, no one will tell you this but me. We’ve been friends for a while so I feel comfortable telling you this. Lately, you’ve been walking around like your shit don’t stink. You know what? You’re correct. For some reason, Virgos are some fragrant motherfuckers.

Libra
Sometimes letting someone figure out the right answer is more effective than simply telling them. To wit, when confronted by your boss at work, you will: A. pull a ninja- vanish B. pull a Baldwin C. pull the fire alarm D. pull your pants up and realize that a belt isn’t just a luxury, but a necessity.

Scorpio
You will be recognized for your talent and swagger at home and abroad. Fans will flock to you whenever your name is mentioned. You will blow everyone’s mind when you play “Rock You Like A Hurricane” on the second encore. Oh wait, that’s Scorpions.

Capricorn
Don’t panic! Think back to your training! One wire will detonate the bomb, the other will send you home with a badge of courage. Which one was it? Red you’re dead? Yellow we’re mellow? Don’t panic. Think back to your training. You will face challenges today. Dinner with friends will bring about revelations.

Aquarius
Hey there Aquarius. What’s with you and puzzles? What’s the point? There’s a picture of the finished project on the box. There’s no surprise whatsoever. That Ricky Martin poster puzzle you found? When it’s finished, guess what it’ll look like…Ricky Martin! Aren’t you glad you read this and saved your time?

Pisces
You will see a movie based on a book that you haven’t read. When asked what you thought of the movie, you will say “I liked the book better, the detail was far more vivid when written.” Pretty douchey. Douchey like a fox!

Words Graham Clark

Graham Clark hosts the Laugh Gallery every Wednesday @ Rime- 1130 Commercial Dr., which shall resume in December. Say hi at www.wannabo.com.