[Horoscopes] by Conor Holler

Aquarius
Try as you might fellow Aquarians, but nostalgia and confusion are difficult foes to evade. Use them to your advantage though. Don’t be afraid to only write about things that happened at your high school, or various movies that you have recently seen. Life, after all, imitates Art. Right? In addition, this month you will rent the Cage/Travolta action hit, Face/Off, and will be disappointed at how fake it is, even for a movie. Happy birthday? Another cement mixer, if you please—free of charge!

Aries
I don’t know who you think you’re fooling in those basketball shorts, Aries, because it is the middle of winter and I know that you’re cold Here’s a tip you should’ve already learned by now: buy some pants; wear them. Then scold the parents that you don’t have.

Taurus
As America’s middle-weight poorguy car you can expect a lot of crap in this lunar phase, Taurus—as usual. You are cheap and boring, so don’t be surprised when local idiot Curtis Martin tapes a blow-up doll to your roof and drives you through the mall food court in his underpants and a really embarrassing hat, subsequently winning Bradford High’s Graduation Prank Contest for the second year in a row.

Gemini
I’ve always wondered who was leaving boxes of soggy pornomags in the woods. Surely there are better ways of dealing with your porn disposal, Gemini. It’s like you don’t even care that your erotic waste dumps are responsible for, like, a billion unsolved boners each year.

Cancer
You have a piece of beef in your teeth. No, not there. Further to the right. You are missing it completely. Alllmossst… No. Oh just let me do it! You are my best friend for crying out loud!

Leo
The way I see it, you’ve got two options: You can give up and keep living here, in these woods—like a madman. Or, you can get into this chopper with me, and come back to work for the government, one last time. Now grab your nun-chucks and your M16, and let’s go find the guy that killed your brother.

Virgo
I can’t believe how many scary diseases we have to worry about now (remember SARS?). If I were you Virgo, I would never go out. What if you get a superbug? Sure, a couple of days off school sounds like a pretty sweet prospect, but what if you end up dying in a hospital bed and the only thing on TV is MASH and Povich?

Libra
Just join the PEN 15 club already, Libra. Everyone’s seen you hanging around, conveniently, when the meetings finish up—we all know what you want. Remember though, it ain’t an easy livin’. It’s not all cash and broads. First off, everyone gets their start as an errand boy. And then maybe, maybe, you’ll get introduced to the DON. Now bring me another pepperoni.

Scorpio
Listen Scorpio, or Ramirez, or whatever your name is: when you play spin the bottle as a teen, it’s youthful, and innocent, and exploratory. Fine, I get it. But when you’re playing spin the bottle as a MAN and not a BOY, you are about two hits of ecstasy away from a full-blown sex party, Mister.

Sagittarius
Be on the lookout for racism this month, Sagittarius. Not because this month will be particularly racist, but because it will probably be funny. You and your grandpa can bond over it.

Capricorn
I say fuck the man, fuck your parents, and fuck your husband. Piercings are the anti-aging cream for the 21st century, so pierce your eyebrow if you want to, Capricorns. It’s your fucking eyebrow. Besides, your friend Jenny has one and it looks awesome, especially when she wears that midriff bearing shirt she bought at Y2K last month.

Pisces
Could you be a little more difficult to spell please? To be honest, I’m surprised you made it this far—with your complicated silent letters! Pull your socks up, man. Why don’t you do us all a favour and become a fisherman or start playing a pro-sport—you need a nickname.

Words Conor Holler

Conor is one part of the comedy collective Bronx Cheer. Together, they host a rotating series of free comedy shows (sketch, improv, monologs) that happen every Tuesday at 8pm at Montmartre Café (4362 Main). They also have a website: www.bronxcheercomedy.com.