[Horoscopes] by Ernold Sane

Pisces
Well you’ve been a dirty little fucker since I last guided you. You’ve completely dropped your standards in a bucket of piss and shit and then smeared them all over your brand new Urban Outfitters Taliban scarf. It’s great that you can charm the leg warmers off the nearest Adbusters student in a loud bar, but when you bring them home and screw them to this week’s Justice banger, you’re coming off as an inconsiderate sex bully. Start acting like you give a shit, not just produce it.

Aries
What the fuck have you got to smile about? You smell like fucking mothballs and you’re an adult dressing like a prepubescent 90’s child. You’re the Fresh Prince of Bel Air portrayed by a smelly fat white dude. Congratulations, there should be posters of you warning people to keep their children inside. You’re a poor man’s child molester, because you don’t molest them, you just steal their outfit.

Taurus
You’re hot shit right now Taurus, and trust me I’d blow up a pre-school to tap that ass. But as hot as you are on the outside, you’re as cold as Brad Renfro on the inside. You’ve been so lazy in your sex life I am surprised you don’t soil yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick you out of bed unless you farted.

Gemini
Time to hit the tanning beds! If you were any paler we could do x-rays by having a guy stand behind you with a lighter. Good looks have never been your “department” and it stems from birth. You were definitely the load your mother should have swallowed. Actually when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother.

Cancer
Things are on the up for you in your financial cycle for the next four months. You’ll score a reccurring role in a Chunky’s commercial which will force you to get your five-year-old head shots re-done. Your skin is starting to grow back since your rehab stint and a few laser treatments can get rid of the hair on your chin. Unfortunately, I don’t think they do rehab for ugly.

Leo
Nice work on your long hair that flows into your greasy beard, it really defines what white trash you are. That’s what you were going for, right? To prove that no matter how smelly the homeless are, you’ve out done them all again with your genius and cunning research into avoiding all hygiene and smelling like a stronger stench of human shit.

Virgo
You’ll be a parent before the year is out and your child will be as cute as Rumer Willis after a four day bender. Your parenting skills will match that of Dina Lohan but you’ll still be that ‘cool’ adult that does rails off the baby dresser and smuggles drugs in the diapers for Burning Man. The child will inherit your penis-shaped nose and your hemorrhoids.

Libra
You can relax now because you’ve definitely got a lifetime supply of shitty hats. Over the course of the year, new “friends” will be made who you can really depend on. However, while you’re at work they’ll be changing your ‘online status to: Eating out a nun, fisting grandma, blowing sheep, dipping meat in Daddy’s knot hole and examining female testicles. Keep an eye on them though, they’re stealing your smokes.

Scorpio
Your sex life has been isolated since now you only do the sex with three things: cripples, animals, and crippled animals. You need to hit a different club, not the ones where everyone in the room is half your age and still into wrestling. Find yourself someone who appreciates your faults and medical deficiencies, and when the time is ready, do sex with it.

Sagittarius
So you’re back to doing what you do best: DRUGS. It’s how we know you, and how we know to avoid eye contact with you. Unfortunately, when you’re around we need drugs to get through the amount of elephant shit drivel that comes out of your skin paste mouth. Do us all a favour, and drink two bottles of NyQuil and fuck off to India for six months.

Capricorn
You haven’t been much of an angel lately and all your sins seem to come out round and brown in a fart melody. Maybe you should go on vacation to Miami and suck cock for a porn site,you’ve cum this far. By the way, your blog is ‘AMAZING.’ Too bad the only one reading it is you, unless you count your multiple personalities.

Aquarius
Your $12 dyed hair looks like you dragged a used tampon across your head leaving streaks, similar to Avril Lavigne, and your pants are so tight you have semen coming out of your eyes. Don’t worry though, you can sell your eye jizz tears to pay rent for your rat infested hang out. The most excitement you receive this month is a selfinflicted sanchez.

Words Ernold Sane