[Horoscopes] by Charles Demers

Aries
Mercury rising this, moons of Saturn that; the only thing you need to know, he-man, is that Mars is pounding Venus and she can’t get enough. Your father has always expected big things from you in the balls department, ever since he found out that the curly V shaped symbol associated with your sign was stylized ram’s horns and not a vagina. This month, make him proud by masturbating onto a cinderblock or telling a semi-racist joke. Your new ethos: Not only is the female orgasm a myth, so is the clitoris. And for you Aries girls, a men’s large from Dickies should fit you like an XL.

Taurus
Unbeknownst to you, your conservative, rabidly anti-drug upstairs neighbour has decided not to call the cops on you, having realized that the smoky smell coming up the vent from your apartment is burning sage, not marijuana. He does not yet realize that sage is how you relax after boiling opium into your Gardenay soup.

Gemini
You stand to become the biggest award in Canadian show business as soon as someone realizes how much the ‘Junos’ sounds like the racial insult ‘Jew nose.’ After that, they’ll follow into oblivion other racist-sounding awards like the Chinqueye (for painting) and the Italianwifewelt (for the cooking of pasta). After that, it’s spotlight: Geminis.

Cancer
Be careful when typing this month. It’s just like Shakespeare said: ‘You still have trouble deciding when to use single quotation marks and when to use doubles.” Try the old trick of laying a penny on each of the vowels on your keyboard, then taking them off and throwing them at your landlord, saying “There! Is six cents enough to get the rot out from around the bath?”

Leo
Your grocery list is almost exactly twice the length it ought to be, but you can’t just cut it in half, because you’ve staggered in the good stuff with the bad. Compromise: you will cut the list into thirds.

Virgo
Your blog is in trouble, Virgo, and there’s no point pretending that it isn’t. If you wanted no traffic, you’d have invested in a dirt road running through a small town. I don’t know, you need like a facebook group or a promotional sticker for busstops or something. Anything.

Libra
This is a good time for you to reassess your plans. That’s a full stop, Libra, because pretty much all of your plans are shit. Why would Brian Wilson listen to your demo tape, even if it was in his cereal box? And how do you even know where he shops, or which box he’ll pick up? It’s a fucking terrible plan, Libra.

Scorpio
Open mic nights are a great way to get your new religion off the ground; it’s time to get up and get to it! You can even use that as a commandment, if you want to.

Sagittarius
Your masturbation fantasies are running incredibly low on Canadian content, and risk losing their funding. I suggest Corey Hart, Mitsou, Anne-Marie MacDonald, young Donald Sutherland and “Too Hot”-era Alanis be deployed immediately to keep you north of the 49th while south of the equator.

Capricorn
Your older brother needs to get it through his thick skull that the dichotomy between ‘girl push-ups’ and ‘boy push-ups’ is a false one. Push-ups don’t reproduce, they have no innate sex or gender, and they’re all good for you. So tell him: ‘Get off my back… literally!’ You should both have a good giggle after that.

Aqauarius
Now would be a good time to ask for a raise at work, Aquarius, except that you’ve been stealing. The “Property of HMV” imprint on your new three-hole punch will be the ‘damn spot’ to your urban Lady MacBeth, but you’ll make up for it by naming your band ‘Three Hole Punch,’ thereby earning the respect of your peers, who are idiots.

Pisces
There’s no getting around it – this is going to be the best goddamned week of your life, and I’m proud to be a part of it. Pull the pushpins out of the posters on your wall, pally – you’re in frame town with the grown-ups from now on.

Words Charles Demers

Charles Demers is a stand-up comic and writer based in Vancouver. His first novel is forthcoming from insomniac press and his sketch comedy dup Bucket, With Paul Bae, recently recorded a pilot for CBC Radio One. www.myspace.com/bucketcomedy
www.www.myspace.com/bucketcomedy.