[Horoscopes] by Dave Shumka

Taurus
Happy birthday Taurus. I know you’re getting on in years, but 60 is the new 50, and they say life begins at 50… especially the worst part. If you’re lucky, you might develop rich people’s problems: tennis elbow, lobster jaw, diarrhea of the wallet. But it’s far more likely you’ll develop osteoporosis, persistent moaning, and abusive children. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just follow these seven easy steps: eat right, exercise, don’t fall down the stairs, don’t slip in the tub, avoid home invasions, keep up with diaper trends, and try not to die in your sleep.

Gemini
Hey Gemini. This month, get some new glasses. Geminis have round faces, so go with a square frame in a bold colour. Show the UPS guy how bold you are. UPS guys eat that up. Also, go commando, but do laundry everyday because commando is disgusting.

Cancer
It’s never too soon to start organizing this year’s Secret Santas. In fact, nobody in the office would suspect a thing. Load up the fax machine with potato salad, and then Boom! Christmas cheer all over their big fat accountant faces. (Note: I don’t know how fax machines work. I’m an astrologer.)

Leo
This month it’s important to focus on your finances. Remember when I convinced you to invest in that company that makes novelty vampire teeth for dogs? Sorry about that. I heard you settled out of court. So many unnecessary chokings.

Virgo
Hey Virgo, now that Taurus has gone to live with the angels, I need you to be extra strong for your little brother. No more tears. Here’s 20 dollars. Take him to the renaissance fair and take your mind off of things. Bring me back an Orange Julius and a receipt.

Libra
What better way to reinvent yourself this month than with a new nickname? Here are some that suit you: Kid Dynamite, Tylenol Tre, Asian Sally Field, Vitamin Abstinence, JPeg Greg, Baby Grampa, Dippin’ Dots, Valerie, and Thunder Thighs. In fact, we’ve been calling you Thunder Thighs behind your back for the last few months.

Scorpio
It’s about time you followed through on that time machine you started. How else are you going to talk yourself out of that tattoo? I realize it was henna, but it was traaaaagic!

Sagittarius
You’ve been hanging around with the wrong crowd: venomous cobras. I know, I know, they’re so passionate and they really get you, but admit it: they bite you all the time. Put your foot down and let them know this ‘two for flinching’ rule doesn’t fly with you.

Capricorn
It’s time we both admitted… you don’t look good in hats. Oh, don’t act surprised. Yes, all hats. Even that one. Especially that one, actually. Some people just aren’t hat people, don’t cry about it. Hat people are the worst. You dodged a bullet.

Aquarius
It’s time to start that ABBA tribute band you were thinking of. Why should Björn Again have all the success? There are plenty of other good names: Natural Björn Killers, Björn into Brothels, the Björn Ultimatum. You’re welcome.

Pisces
This month, why not try out the exciting new sport of mixed martial arts? Hey, you have a life outside this house. Maybe mix Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with Shaq Fu. That’s like mixing business with pleasure. While you’re at it, take a few minutes and learn computers.

Aries
This month, don’t get your hopes up. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I could probably swing some non-stop pop, and you can help yourself to our sundae bar.

Words Dave Shumka

Dave Shumka Is a stand-up comedian and writer in Vancouver. His weekly podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself, is co-hosted by Graham Clark and available on iTunes.
www.stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com.