[Horoscopes] by James Bull of The Green Hour Band

Gemini
Ike and Tina Turner, Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful, Bob Dylan and Joan Baez, Emmylou Harris and Gram Parsons, not forgetting Rumours era Fleetwood Mac and the silky smooth guitar vocal pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates. What does this list say to you? That’s right, sexual promiscuity is the artist’s creative lifeblood. So this week, in order to get your creative juices flowing, go out and try finding your musical sex twin. Because when these couples weren’t banging out hits, they surely were banging something, get it?

Cancer
Time to make a choice Cancer—stop sitting on the fence. It’s simple; you are either Facebook or MySpace, not both. It’s up to you, either you are into ‘social networking’ or you are into ‘late night back alley lurking.’ In fact, who are those people who have private accounts on MySpace? Stop wasting my time.

Leo
Many Congratulations on your arts degree. Why not take a spin on the wheel of life and go “backpacking” around Asia; lonely planet, moon raves, ladyboys and silk. Platinum card parents with hippy sensibilities will do anything to facilitate their little flower growing up with healthy root chakras.

Virgo
Aloha there Virgo; be careful with those tassels. The fashion gene pool is incredibly fragile and looks that appear good on paper appear disastrous on the person. Cherries, Pompadours and Poodle skirts; the Rockabilly Burlesque is a fashion mutant that would make Elvis Presley wince and cower in his rock ‘n’ roll coffin. Lets keep this kind of thing to the suburbs, eh?

Libra
Zeitgeist, Loose Change and reptilian shape shifters. You have started to see through the cracks in the pavement ever since the realization that your life is a conspiracy and your personality an inside job. All you need now is a raw food diet, a couple of pseudo-political statements about George Bush being an asshole and you are complete. Self-awareness squeezed into skinny jeans.

Scorpio
Reasons why world music is really cool: shamans, bushmen, bongo jams, The Talking Heads, Gypsies, Rastafarians, vocal chants, rain dances, hallucinogenic frogs, sitars and Paul Simon. Reasons why World Music is garbage: Tantric, raga-pop Geordies who change their name from Gordon to ‘Sting.’

Sagittarius
Your girlfriend broke up with you and the pain burns like a poultice of broken glass. Try moving countries, or at the very least provinces. Grow your hair out, buy some high tops and promote yourself as a cutting edge house DJ. Although the pain never quite leaves, you will have more girls than John Mayer and all the pills will mask your insecurities until you are way into your thirties.

Capricorn
Stop eeking your way through middle management and live life to the full. Smash your Radiohead CDs and burn your cardigans. Take some advice from fellow Capricorn, the self styled “RnB Thug” Robert Sylvester Kelly, and get hedonistic. If your 20 years in the office has taught you anything, it is that no one does anything for free. So start getting your money’s worth and take advantage of your philanthropy work with the local junior soccer team.

Aquarius
For some time now you have known that the ‘scene’ has hit critical mass. I mean, people are still wearing neon and I am not talking about Australians. So get all Guy Debord and flip reverse it—your manifesto should read: “My scene is post-modern, it deconstructs the scene, critiquing, then creating a paradigm of change and a newly established avant-garde anti scene, which then becomes the scene again.” Just make sure you stay away from neon.

Pisces
Just because you had no solid father figure, grew up in the praries and were bad at sports as a child is no excuse for becoming a Suicide Girl. There are other options Pisces, look at Buffy Sainte-Marie, or Joni Mitchell. Oh, and for the record, Juno is not real and Ellen Page is an actress. Don’t let Diablo Cody’s selfworth issues start getting crazy ideas in your head. They already spawned a
terrible movie.

Aries
As the sun blazes a trail across the Pacific, it is all smooth sailing on the crystal clear waters of love for Aries. Sailing away to where the boys and girls of Thunder Island sip Malibu to the super sounds of Michael Mc- Donald. So make love and keep the fires burning bright.

Taurus
Everyone keeps telling you, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But you know it is the big stuff we should be worried about. So make your plan of escape now because the cosmos is a vast expanse of chaos and murder. Patch together the pockets of dying energy, map out a path and blast off with me into interstellar space. It is just self-preservation really.

Words James Bull

James Bull is a self-proclaimed “taste maker,” based in Vancouver. He recently realized his dream of landing his face on www.thecobrasnake.com, cementing his role as “King of the Scene”. When not over-enunciating everything to make himself sound more English, James can be found pretending to DJ at any number of nights at which a resident DJ has called in sick.