[Horoscopes] by Dr. Ian Super

Leo
Unfortunately for you, your birth month coincides with the ignition of the 27-km-long Large Hadron Collider (LHC). We’re all familiar with particle accelerators and their quest to answer questions about dark matter, multiple dimensions , and why Madonna hasn’t been called back to the planet SuckWhore, but they also could destroy the Earth! Fear not, paranoia is just poorly wielded confidence. Take charge. Go to the LHC and jump in the beam. You could get amazing powers like in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, or maybe even like Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap you’ll be able to travel through time solving moderately trivial problems. Exciting! Send Me Money.

Virgo
Last month’s upsetting of the applecart doesn’t have the reaching consequences you thought it might. Don’t get cocky; your CSI analysis of the crime scene wasn’t very professional. Lie low and transform your panic room into a nursery. Congratulations! Send me your old panic room.

Libra
The Love Apartments have a new vacancy. Bribe the reclusive landlord and the place is yours! It’s a studio, but that’s okay; you’ll want to be intimate with your new smooch anyway. Where is he/ she? Don’t despair, self-love is equally rewarding. Wash your hands and send me money.

Scorpio
Lord Byron is known to have had a human skull goblet to shock his friends at parties. Ah, the whimsy. Your thirst for decadence and mischief may be a call to arms for others. Tread softly around lovers. Wearing white after Labour Day will stun all into acceptance of your crass ungodly ways! Send me Lord Byron’s estate money.

Sagittarius
Sorry Sagittarius, but you’ve lived a lie long enough. Us horoscopers call you “Sags,” and we laugh while we make up your “reading.” It’s not that we don’t like you; just bring something to the table every now and then. Your lucky numbers are five, seven, eight, and niner.

Capricorn
Spend, spend, spend like there’s no tomorrow. You want that new car? Buy it. New shoes? Get ‘em. Adult slip ‘n’ slide? Hell yes. This month is the tops! Enjoy it while you can. Sorry to say your long-term horoscope is one of financial hardships. Send me that goddamn slip’n’ slide.

Aquarius
This month you play the role of a fisherman’s wharf. When you’re not getting shit on, gross smelly dudes are going to use you, possibly covering you in blood and scales, but most definitely in stink. You’ll change and everyone will say that you could have made better decisions. Send me money.

Pisces
Life is sweet. Like a bite into a Georgia peach that dribbles down your chin. Call past bullies and abusive relatives and lie about the successes in your life; they don’t know that you didn’t start MySpace. Refer to Rupert Murdoch as “The Rupe” and they’ll be fooled. Send me Fox News.

Aries
Uh Oh! PMS month… Non-gender-specific, you’ll bust out gems like, “Don’t jizz in a jar and tell me it’s Yop.” and, “Why would I take you out, when I just want to tape your mouth.” Get on the real talk express or you’re outskis. Send me money.

Taurus
As you laugh at other people’s miseries you might realize that you are better than everyone. Go with it. Stomp the meek, pirate copyrighted music, and blatantly steal. When you’re in jail you’ll set up a successful Maury Povich “Is he the Daddy?” gambling ring. Balls. Send me money.

Gemini
German techno is not rad. Your voice screams “Das Jams” while your heart realizes that Yacht Rock is your houseboat. Set sail. The trade winds equal spices from round the horn the likes of which you’ve never seen! Barter bullion for saffron. Don’t judge or look back. Send me saffron.

Cancer
Do you feel like you’re the last one watching MuchMusic? Do you purchase magazines with “kissable pinups”? Mars is in your wtf and brings about change, we all hope. Your emotions about the Jonas Brothers are close to the surface. Bury them! Send me the Jonas Brothers’ money.

Words Dr. Ian Super

Dr. Ian Super is a Grand Shaman of Mysticism. He knows your innermost secrets, but feels okay not talking about it unless you bring the matter up. As he often says, “The answers are in the Starssss!”