[Horoscopes] by Erik Hart

Virgo
Virgo’s have it all figured out. You are generally attractive but tend to smell kind of offensive as well. You are usually good dressers but they’re often out of shape. You totally get the opposite sex even though a disproportionate amount of you are homosexuals. You often have great advice and no one to give it to. There are no victories, only trade-offs.

Libra
I never understood this sign, Libra. What does that even mean? You know, come to think of it I don’t think I have a single friend who is a Libra. What does that say about you? What does that say about me? What does it all mean?

Scorpio
Nothing wrong with being the jealous type. I mean, hey, who cares if she doesn’t take your phone calls anymore? Find the guy she’s been seeing that no one knows about and make him a little more familiar with the inside of a trashbag. If he’s old and rich then you can also take his wallet.

Sagittarius
You are doing real well with your lifestyle choices. You are also keeping your automobile in spic and span condition by getting it washed and waxed weekly. You may discover a famous basketball player and you share a mutual friend. That mutual friend may or may not specialize in black cars.

Capricorn
You know, I wonder why all these people say the weed is so good in Canada and in Alaska? I was born and raised in Southern California and I don’t know…honestly, I think its kind of weak. Maybe we’re spoiled down in California

Aqauarius
The aftermath of a terrible mistake from months past will haunt you. Avoid mirrors and standing behind horses or anything else that could potentially kick you. Walking underneath ladders probably isn’t a good idea either. Stay indoors and hide.

Pisces
Change comes in unexpected ways and from unexpected places this month. Look out for new behavior out of old friends and acquaintances. Do not assume that because something is different that it is better or even good. Change is often overrated..

Aries
Aries is the sign of war and this month would be the perfect time to act on that. The stars are aligned perfectly for you to confront that insufferable boss of yours or finally show that motorist who cut you off your newest karate move. Go get ‘em, tiger!

Taurus
Taurus is represented by the sign of the bull. I am often jealous of folks with this sign… Lamborghini sure makes a nice car. They have one now with a 10-cylinder engine that will get to ticket in under four. Their sign is a bull also.

Gemini
My dad and my brother are both Gemini’s. They’re very successful and they’re also major perverts. Also had a Gemini girlfriend and she was just horrible. I never wonder what she’s up to.

Cancer
It will get better, you have my empathy.

Leo
When life gives you lemons, make limoncello! It looks just like lemonade but it really gets you twisted. Sometimes old women will serve it in an attempt to seem more European. Seriously, if you’ve never tried it, you should totally try it. The drink, not the being European.

Words Erik Hart

Erik Hart was born in 1979. He lives in LA and works between LA and New York as an artist, a musician and a fashion designer for Erik Hart and Morphine Generation.
www.erikhart.com
www.morphinegeneration.com