[Horoscopes] by Parker Bossley

Libra
‘Need You Tonight’ INXS: ‘Tighten that belt and pass the lotion!’ That’s a reference to my favourite singer at the moment, Michael Hutchence. ‘Need You Tonight’ is your song this month. Think about every last word in it, then think about the tragedy of it all. Plus think about the joke I told for the Capricorn horoscopes. Seriously…

Scorpio
‘Sex Weed’ R. Kelly: ‘Girl….your shit is the chronic.’ R Kelly. ‘Sex gave me the munchies and now I wanna eat it up.’ The song is ‘Sex Weed.’ This song makes Method Man and Redman look like sober pussies. All you need to do is listen to this song and pound your lover. That’s all I want you to do this month. Listen to ‘Sex Weed’ and pound your lover HARD.

Sagittarius
‘Baby Snakes’ Frank Zappa: ‘Baby Snakes’ suits you Sagittarius men, if you know what I mean.. Does anybody else think that Eugene Hutz from Gogol Bordello looks a lot like Frank Zappa?

Capricorn
‘Fat’ Weird Al Yankovic: Michael Jackson’s head moves in a really weird way, especially when he beatboxes. It’s a weird swivel creep motion that disturbs me right down to my core. I love him but it disturbs me hard. This month’s song for you guys is ‘Fat’ by Weird Al. PS. What do you call a dog a cat and a mouse all combined? A cogouse!

Aquarius
I’ll Be Dat’ Redman: In the words of Redman, ‘Everytime I’m in a car bitches be like, ‘He ain’t shit!’’ I’ll be dat, Redman. Buy a hybrid, and you’ll get that flashdancer from the homo zone, that girl with the non-prescription glasses at that shitty divebar, and that hooker in the miniskirt who’s actually a dude. For sears, aquariuses should listen to more Redman.

Pisces
‘In The Meantime’ Spacehog: I don’t know how down you are with Spacehog, but they are a bunch of Tal Bachman-listening—to pussies. ‘In The Meantime’ is possibly one of the lamest songs ever written but I can’t stop listening to it. If you go out on a Tuesday and watch one of the failure cover bands performing ‘more than a feeling,’ you’ll know what I’m talking about. When I was like 10, me and my sister saw Spacehog on Letterman and she said that the singer looked like a ‘retarded trollface,’ which is a pretty harsh thing to say to a 10-year-old.

Aries
‘Gloria’ Patti Smith: I read the other day that she played this song live and at the part where she says ‘Jesus died for somebodies sins, but not mine’ she fell off the stage and cracked a few of her spinals. This month, you should do the same.

Taurus
‘Grape Fall Remix’ (find it on YouTube): Although it’s not really much of a song, it is perfect for the month ahead of you. As you hear her barks of pain, you will realize that your job really isn’t that bad. And you actually can breath. PLUS, you will drink a lot of Aquafina, and that shit’s good for you.

Gemini
Bitch’ Meredith Brooks: I heard a really shitty joke the other day that went, ‘why do lesbians put cans of tuna on their nightstand? because it’s their potpourri’. If you find that offensive, then go listen to the song that is your horoscope this month. Meredith Brooks’ ‘Bitch.’ Fuck yeah. This song will guide you through all of your female issues this month. Whether it’s personal or non-personal ‘The season’s already changin’.

Cancer
‘Save Tonight’ Eagle Eye Cherry: He was ugly but kind of KIND OF looked like John Legend. PLUS his name was fucking Eagle Eye. This month will be smart to come up with a good name for your future kids. Moon Unit? Eagle Eye? Tiger? Poon Unit? Emo Winehouse? Emo Ginehouse? Steve Vai?

Leo
‘Drinking in LA’ Bran Van 3000: You need to lose your hardwood flooring, put on some sweatpants that you bought off of eBay from a Japanese man and listen to some Bran Van 3000.Then you need to puke all over your toilet and not clean it up until your parents come over.

Virgo
‘Blue’ Eiffel 65: Guess what song I used to grind HARD with 13-year-old girls to? I was 13 at the time too, though, so it wasn’t that bad. However, this song is so bad it’s good. Buy one of their jump suits and practice your intergalactic face punching.

Words: Parker Bossley

Parker Bossley is a bass player from Vancouver who plays in local puke rawk act Fake Shark Real Zombie. He is friends with Mitchell hall, and is currently living in his band’s jam space. Parker loves Mariah Carey more than most things in life.
www.myspace.com/fakesharkrealzombie.