[Horoscopes] by Marc Godfrey

Pisces
Flattery is going to finally pay out big dividends. Free meals, free tickets to the hottest shows, even FREE SEX with numerous SEXual partners! However mid-month, Pisces, you may find yourself feeling a bit guilty about manipulating people for your own selfish purposes. When this happens, remember the words of the Great Edwardian Poet Laureate, Alfred Lord Tennyson, ‘Ass, gas or grass – Nobody rides for free’.

Aries
Advancement is DEFINITELY on your horizon! It is, however, important to continue in a forward direction as you have done in the past. If you follow this route I can GUARANTEE that this month you’ll find that you get where you actually INTEND to go! Also, you’ll find that what was once considered ‘sexual’ harassment in your work place will now be accepted as ‘sexy’ harassment!

Taurus
Your winning streak is OVER and you will find yourself on the brink of financial ruin. Think of yourself as the Icelandic stock exchange and think of this month as the month that the Icelandic Stock exchange was decimated by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor… However, it’s not all bad news! You’ll also become gravely ill with an incredibly rare virus. So rare, in fact, that you’ll be able to auction it on eBay, thereby reversing your financial woes.

Gemini
Now is the time to make all those rash life decisions that you didn’t have the courage to make before. Don’t think about ANYTHING this month – Just DO it! Consequences be DAMNED. You see a car that you like? Just TAKE it! You can go on the crime spree to end all crime sprees with no ramifications. And don’t worry about the police, those guys couldn’t catch the flu.

Cancer
This is the month when you finally realize that you do indeed make a better door than a window. Your roommate (or flatmate in English) has been unsuccessfully pointing out this fact for weeks but you were never quite sure if it was true. You’ll find that it is true! In the very near future, while blocking your roommate’s view of the TV (short for Television) during Corner Gas, you’ll finally become convinced of this undeniable truth that you ARE indeed a better door than window. But don’t get too excited. This doesn’t mean that you should literally start functioning as a door because you’ll find that it’s quite a tedious endeavour (or endeavor in American) and the pay isn’t that great.

Leo
I think everybody remembers the time when Adam Clayton, the singer for iconic Irish popsters U2, first came to the US and was asked if he had “anything to declare?” He slyly quipped, “I’ve nothing to declare but my Genius!” The customs officials were so dazzled by his Celtic wit that they promptly pulled him into a small room and strip-searched him. So LEO, don’t lie to customs when traveling this month! And remember to sew Canadian patches onto all of your shit so that people don’t mistake you for an American.

Virgo
I see romance in the near future and NOT the usual, “I let you drink half my Pilsner tall-can so the LEAST you could do is give me a hand job or something” variety that most girls are used to. Be ready to be swept off your feet by that Prince Charming you’ve been waiting for all your life. Sadly, if you happen to be a male Virgo, your love life is going to continue along as bleak as it was the previous month. Let me put it to you this way, if you fell into a swimming pool full of tits, you’d still come up sucking your own thumb.

Libra
Most Libras find themselves successfully walking upright at an early age (shortly after Toddlerhood) and continuing to do so well into maturity. You’ll continue this dynamic balanced walking streak throughout the month without incident.

Scorpio
It’s time to throw caution to the wind and re-imagine yourself! Don’t be scared to use annoying Hollywood buzzwords like “re-imagine” and if you want to act like a Drama Queen – DO IT! People will just love you more for being yourself! If some sort of award existed for ‘Best Actor’ you would undoubtedly win it this month! Unfortunately, to the best of my knowledge, no such award exists.

Sagittarius
You’ve been weighed down by technology for TOO long. The best thing to do is free yourself from the Matrix-like shackles that imprison you! It’s time to embrace your inner Luddite. Once you do this you’ll finally achieve the tranquility that was eluding you throughout winter. Then when some techno-slave asks, ‘You working hard or hardly working?,” just stare at him knowingly until he nervously backs away.

Capricorn
In the past you’ve been described as a Quasimodo-like tribute to human ugliness and a constant source of disappointment to friends and family. Good News! Nothing will happen this month to change these sad facts about you. So at least you’re consistent!

Aquarius
We all remember that old-school yard song… “The Dutch, The Dutch, what a funny race, they fight with their feet and fuck with their face.” Well this is just as true now as it was back then. But this month isn’t just about ignorant and obscene poems about the Dutch, it’s also a month of drastic life changes and deep introspection. Your lucky numbers this month are 9, 11, 911 and 69.

Marc Godfrey’s lifelong love affair with the written word first started a week ago when his cable was cut off. He is the lead singer for a part-time LA based band called SOULKID #1. They were signed to Dreamworks and enjoyed a string of hits all called “Be Bop A Bounce California” or some such nonsense, before being dropped due to his constant tardiness. Marc’s advice to other horoscope writers is to ‘Stay the Hell out of his way!’

www.myspace.com/soulkid1