New Website! New Address! Ex-Drummer! Street Fighter 4! It’s the Issue#55 Of The Month

[1] We’ve Moved!
Hi, we’re very much aware that we mentioned we moved last issue, but some things are so important they are worth mentioning twice. So here goes, over the holidays, ION relocated to a lovely new office in a charmingly cruddy area of town. Our new address is Suite 303, 505 Hamilton Street. Vancouver, BC V6B 2R1. Update your mailing list and send us office-warming gifts. Nothing under $100 in value please.


[2] New Website
We thought this whole internet thing was a quick passing fad. Turns out we were wrong. So we gone done and made ourselves a pretty new website, catapulting ION into the year 2002. Feel free to comment on articles, pick apart our grammar and tell us what assholes we are. All our pictures are on there too so you can also tell the dudes how ugly we are or send creepy emails to Leslie, Natasha, Toyo and Vanessa. There’s also an ION Twitter account that we’ll try to update whenever we’re drunk (often) or doing something mildly interesting (not very often). www.twitter.com/ionmagazine

[3] Game—Resident Evil 5
The ultimate survival horror series is back with your two favourite things: guns and zombies. Forget all the stupid movies that have been made, these games are always the shit and genuinely scary. This time you’re going to Africa where a bioterrorist threat is turning humans and animals into mindless killing monsters. The solution, naturally, is to kill everything in sight. You’ll have to use your mind a little as there will be puzzles to solve along the way. This one also features online co-op so you can fight through the game with your nerdy friends.

[4] Game— Street Fighter 4
Holy shit, it’s the game we’ve been waiting for since high school (we’re all really old). This time we’re not going to have to blow all our allowance at the corner store as it’s on the 360 and the PS3. All your favourite characters are there, as well as some new ones, with next-gen graphics. Funny how we can’t remember the birthdays of our parents but we can remember how to do a haoduken fireball with Ryu or a spinning pile driver with Zangief.

[5] Pets— Rufus and Cedric
Meet Rufus and Cedric: your resident gay felines here at ION magazine. As guests at our Fashion Editor Toyo’s home, Ruf and Ced have been spotted many a time humpin’ each other dry (literally). Rufus likes it on top; all the time. Meowwww. Poor Cedric, the bottom, just takes it. Once he tried to escape—jumping from the 2nd storey of his building while his fluff-ball lover watched ever so nonchalantly, laughing to himself. If only the rest of us had furry balls of cuteness chasing us down, wanting to mount and hump till the cows come home—well…maybe less of the furry and more of the cute. A girl can hope. Send photos to pet@ionmagazine.ca to have your pet immortalized in print.

[6] Tough Economic Times Tips
How the hell are we still in business? Everyone else has gone under. This month’s Tough Economic Times Tip is to carry an awesome knife with you wherever you go. Blades are great. Firstly, you can protect yourself when anarchy breaks out and the streets run red with the blood of the innocents. Secondly, it’s great to whip out at hilariously opportune times. You don’t ever flash your ripper at a party in anger (that sounded dirty). Remember, timing is key. Examples: At a party “Oh man, I can’t untie this knot in my shoe.” Or at a steak restaurant to the guy at the table next to you, “You call that a knife? This is a knife.”

[7] DVD —EX DRUMMER
Ex Drummer is the story of Dries, a famous author, and his relationship with three misanthropic, un-employed handicapped losers. It takes place in Ostend, Belgium, a city that seems to be rotting from the mistreatment of its inhabitants. Dries first meets the trio when they come to his apartment to proposition him to join their band as its drummer. They issue two ultimatums, Dries must also be in some way handicapped, and they will only ever play one show, covering “Mongoloid” by Devo. Dries goes along with it, thinking that slumming it with three lunatics might be a good way of escaping his insulated life as a famous author. The film wavers aesthetically between hyper stylized viewpoints of cool detachment, extreme violence and pornography (One scene takes place inside a vagina, and it has the largest penis ever seen in a movie). Dries seems to know his band mates are doomed, and rather than try to help them, keeps himself at a protective distance as he watches them self-destruct. An American film would have been tempted to give the story a more Disneyesque treatment. Ex Drummer doesn’t bother. It’s worth seeing for its unique visuals and great performances, but its hyper-nihilistic attitude and graphic depictions of sex and violence may be hard for some to stomach.

[8] DVD— VIVA
Viva is the deliberately campy story of its title character as she explores her sexuality against a colourfully artificial Seventies Los Angeles backdrop. Barbie isn’t satisfied with her boring life as a housewife and secretary, and when she loses her job due to a perverted boss she decides to pursue the glamorous world of modeling. This starts Barbie down a path that distances her from her husband (a successful businessman, avid skier and drag racer), who’d be happier if she focused on having dinner ready on time. After Barbie gets a makeover her husband suffers a complete physical collapse and decides to go to Aspen for a month. This leads to Barbie’s recreation of herself as Viva. From this point on Viva encounters an array of over the top pseudo-sexual drug and alcohol fueled situations that all seem to fade to black before anything too steamy happens. Viva borrows heavily from the grindhouse sexploitation flicks that inspired it, but is more about highlighting their absurdity than mimicking them. The acting and the characterization are deliberately half-assed for comedic effect and the retro soundtrack and colourful production design provide the film with a fun aesthetic that feels like the bastard lovechild of Tim Burton and John Waters.