[Horoscopes] Sara Hennessey

Aries
Like the mysteries of the famous pyramids, you too have secret compartments you hide your favourite lamps in. Centuries from now, all the grade seven goths are going to wonder how you got your brain out of your nostril. Tell no one. Your secrets are all there is left.

Taurus
Taurus! Lookin’ good! New shampoo? Well, something is new and it’s workin’ like a hot bitch on a Friday night. Go ahead. Give that plate of honey garlic spare ribs the finger. Then eat the fuck out of it. You’re an astronaut!

Gemini
Ah, the famous split personality! You are a fish in a pond and a helicopter. It’s prime time for you to try new things. First, quit being so racist! Second, take all of your closest buddies on a fishing trip. Or get that helicopter license you’ve always wanted.

Cancer
You’re not fooling anyone. You’re a beautiful person. Go to Sears Portrait Studio, find a backdrop that speaks to you, and then make love to the camera! Ask the photographer for pointers. Then ask what they’re up to later. Maybe you both have dogs. That would be neat, hey?

Leo
There’s a lot of pressure being the king of the jungle. So many press conferences… everyone has a clipboard. But who are you kidding? You’re not a lion. You’re totally a guy named Dennis. Listen up Dennis: I’ll take a grilled cheese sandwich, a green salad and chocolate milk.

Virgo
Everything is cool once you toss a fresh pair of sunglasses on it. A baby wearing shades? Cool baby. Dog wearing shades? Dope dog. How about unprotected sex wearing sunglasses? Sorry Virgo, you still have herpes no matter what. Maybe join a softball league.

Libra
Hey, you watch too much Law and Order. It’s time to solve your own crime. Like, why are you so alone? I bet it’s because you are unemployed and you smell of beef. Don’t give up. Quit going to raves and practice your smile in the mirror.

Scorpio
There sure is a lot of magic up your billowy wizard’s sleeve. Also, I can’t help but notice your mystical robe, and lengthy wizard’s beard. You have two options. One, pursue a career in wizardry. Two, tell me who hooked you up with all that sweet wizard gear.

Sagittarius
What are you bringing to ‘The Potluck of Life’? How about dip? You can’t really go wrong with dip. It’s a safe bet. So you bring the dip, cool? And it’ll start around nine. Thanks dude. See you Friday! Hey, you should bring Eric. He seems nice.

Capricorn
The art of revenge has fizzled out. No one is casually avenging their father’s death. No one is penning threatening scrolls. When was the last time you challenged a foe to a duel? I want some fancy hatin’ from you. Send a portrait of yourself looking unimpressed to the king.

Aquarius
It’s time to get real for a minute. You’re not Clair Huxtable. But you do have an extensive tennis short collection. So if that’s not something I don’t know what is. Now climb a mountain and scream your head off while wearing a puffy dress already. You’ve earned it.

Pisces
Look deep inside yourself and pull out a ruby. Your soul is like One-Eyed Willy’s treasure chest… and no one can take that away from you. Not even a hot shot lawyer who wins all the cases. Take that ruby and trade it in for a huge pizza. You’re welcome.

Sara Hennessey is an exciting comedian in Toronto. She is a member of Laugh Sabbath and is also a regular contributor on Much Music’s Video on Trial. Learn more at www.sarahennessey.com