Editor’s Letter

I’ve got some pretty serious news I need to relay. Consider yourself lucky that you get to read it here first before the major news networks inevitably run with it. This is going to be my last issue with ION and I’m leaving to pursue my true passion: DJing.

There are heaps of people with no qualifications doing this for crazy cash so I figure I might as well join them. Who knows, I may be able to use DJing as a way to launch a clothing line and finally get this rock opera I wrote produced (if you’re wondering, it’s about a group of singing bohemian dogs who have the clap). I may have to move to LA if I want that to happen though.

This is not to say I don’t respect DJs or think what they do is easy. Hell, the best one in the city is our music editor and most of the runners up have written for this magazine at some point. Being good takes talent. I’ve seen DJs magically fill an empty dancefloor with one song. A rather impressive feat to behold (I’ve also witnessed DJs empty a dancefloor with one song, too). There’s also something to be said for being able to play music that other people, not just you, enjoy after 10-15 shots of Jack Daniels. My taste in music would be universally regarded as awful when I hit that point. Seriously, I just want to play “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga when I can’t see straight.

DJs also stay on top of new music, which is a serious pain in the ass. I am so thankful there are people at the magazine, who aren’t me, to do this. You should be thankful to as they’re more qualified for the job. I tried to keep on top of it all for a year once and it nearly killed me. I ended up hating music by the end of it. Ever since, I’ve been lobbying to get music banned from the magazine entirely but the rest of the ION team keep throwing the “uhh, people kind of like reading about music more than they like reading your angry tirades” argument back in my face. Mutinous jerks.

Hopefully this doesn’t come across as smug, but I think success as a DJ will come pretty quickly for me. I’ll make sure I have a well-oiled, media-savvy, hype machine behind me so I don’t really need any talent. Who knows, if things pick up I may tour from town to town. Maybe when I finish my set I’ll go to an after party in a stuffy office and edit a magazine in front of people. Full disclosure: 90% of this live magazine editing performance will be me replying to emails while I drink coffee with no pants on.

I’ll want to be taken seriously, though, so I may even do what the world’s most successful living artists like Banksy, Jeff Koons, Damien Hirst and Takashi Murakami do… pay other people to do my art for me as I supervise. If it tastes good, it doesn’t matter how it’s made. I may have to get better looking though. Does anyone know a good plastic surgeon who can make me look more like Jared Leto?

Photograph: Meghan Rennie