[Horoscopes] Fraser MacLean

Aries
A chance hand-brushing incident with a stranger on a bus leads to an afternoon of surprises. You share a meal, accompanied by anecdotes about near-death experiences and hilarious critiques of fellow passers-by. The day will conclude with an act that you previously deemed reprehensible: your reaction to it will determine whether you are audited this year.

Gemini
You’re feeling cloistered. This month, take steps to reduce the soul-deflating feelings of confinement brought about by your sterile work-and-living spaces. Take a tip from hotel lobbies and tiny restaurants the world over, and cover opposing walls with mirrors to create a sense of infinite space.

Cancer
This month, take time to reconcile the fact that you are your parents’ child: all of their personal failings will, to some degree, manifest in your own life. With this in mind, forgive them, and forgive yourself for all that which has yet to come to fruition.

Leo
Your vigilance in avoiding foods containing trans fats will be rewarded this month. While in a grocery store, recommend that some fellow shoppers refrain from purchasing the Ore Ida Frozen Tater Tots (3 grams, seriously?). They, visitors from Switzerland (where trans fats are already banned), will be overcome with gratitude, and will write your name down for easy Facebooking later.

Virgo
This month, strengthen the bonds between old friends you haven’t really talked to since that dumb night last August. Invite them over for an evening of looking at gross things on your laptop, followed by 40 consecutive minutes of digging things out of each others ears. Take pictures of what you find, so that you can contribute to the online grossness.

Libra
Once again, you will be reassured by your doctor that the growth on your thigh is not cancerous, but is, in fact, a cyst. This news will embolden your significant other to reattempt removal, utilizing all the hallmarks of amateur surgery at its finest: an X-Acto blade, beer, and a digital camera to capture the proceedings. YouTube notoriety awaits.

Scorpio
A mishap involving an estranged friend will land you in the emergency ward with a pierced eardrum. To prevent the pooling of blood, you will be required to lay on your side. From this position, your attention is commanded by a neighbouring patient possessing a formidable jolie laide aesthetic. Love blossoms from this encounter, and (with patience) you will go on to have several average-looking children.

Sagittarius
Things were looking good for Sags until the newly discovered planet Gliese 581-c put the celestial kibosh on you. Astrology’s logarithms have been off for 6,000 years, but now that we’ve got that fucker pegged I think we’re back on track. Recommend that you stay indoors this month and get reacquainted with the daily habits of your neighbourhood’s marsupials.

Capricorn
Time to get smarter about love. Guys, resolve to no longer fall for textiled feminine trickery: graphic tees bearing sexual innuendo are likely misleading. Women: uhh, skinny, pale and blonde are, uhh, good signs. Musicians are usually a bad bet, but if he doesn’t play an instrument that has strings or skins, he’s probably ok…. oh, and lucky numbers this month are 604, 323, and 4876.

Aquarius
This month, seemingly universal rejection will awaken in you a renewed sense of self-confidence. You feel reborn, purified in the fires of your own blazing inefficacy. Rock bottom provides a solid foundation on which to construct yet another towering failure.

Pisces
Happiness takes the form of transcending the invisible social barriers between yourself and fellow commuters. Make a habit of staring at drivers in adjacent vehicles while stopped at red lights. While on the bus, continually brush your hands against those of other passengers. Take pride in the knowledge that these unexpected instances of human contact are possibly the most memorable part of their otherwise grey, trance-like workday.

Taurus
It is probably your birthday this month. Late one summer, many years ago, your parents made love in the waning light of a sherbet-red sunset, the stereo of a bruised Camaro serenading their gasps of electric ecstasy. Out of 400 million contenders, you alone survived, and it was with that initial victory that you earned the right to life. High five!

Fraser MacLean is a Vancouver-based solo “musician” who plays a Value Village-based “toy” keyboard.
www.myspace.com/frasergm