[Horoscopes] Chris Locke

LEO
Leo, this month is looking up for you! After a long winter of getting really really fat from eating only tropical Skittles and drinking grape juice from concentrate, you will be forced to run for your life when the whole city chases you for accidentally knocking a child in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. You will lose five pounds. Forty more to go!

VIRGO
Virgo, try not to be so lackadaisical this month. It will only work against you when no one lets you crash on their couch anymore because you’ve been a lazy freeloading bum ever since you dropped out of high school and tried to become the next Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray.

LIBRA
Put this in your pipe and smokey-doke, Libra. People have been talking about how awesome you are at making them feel good about themselves! Congratulations! That’s so nice that you can help. They say they couldn’t have felt better if it wasn’t for how messed up you’ve become since that Burger King sign fell on your head.

SCORPIO
Scorps! What’s up, guy? Word from the Intergalactic Astrology Highway has it that you’re about to score some big time lovin’ this month! Nice! Finally, a little of the good stuff for a person who rarely ever truly deserves it. Trust us, we all know what images you masturbate to.

SAGITTARIUS
Wow, your luck is about to take a turn for the wackiest! Hang on, folks! We’re making a wacky left! Wacky wacky wacky month for you, Sagittarius! Okay, I’ll let you in on why this month is going to be so wacky for you… As you leave a late night flick with a date you want to jam with… you will receive what the Hawaiians call, “Moctezuma’s poopy pants!”

CAPRICORN
Capricorn, I don’t know how to say this, but you’re going to get married this month! I know! Crazy, right? It just snuck up on you, I know. Well, before you go crazy and start buying a ton of appliances for that new special kitchen, let me just warn you of one thing… you’re going to marry a person who used to be a goth.

AQUARIUS
This is the dawning of the age you, you knucklehead! Yes. Things are good. First there’s that guy who almost shot you from behind that you never saw. And then that group of work friends you had that were trying to frame you for embezzlement all got busted before they could forge your signature! Keep up the good work!

PISCES
Pisces: two fish swimming either way. I don’t get it? What is it some kind of magical 69 joke? That really makes me feel like the universe is retarded, you know? It’s like, what does the universe want us to do with all this crap, right? Make some t-shirts, sell a few buttons? I don’t know? I’ll tell you one thing… I got too many t-shirts, buttons, and crap already.

ARIES
Bon voyage, Aries! You will meet a friendly mountain goat on your journey through the Alps this month. Befriend him. His name will be Jason. Give him a piece of that cake you always carry with you. He will prove himself very useful when it comes time for you to have pots carried.

TAURUS
Taurus! The bull! Awesome. You are tough. You are strong. You are… huge. And you have a nose ring. So, the astrology vibes are blowing through my ears and they’re telling me that you’ve got something really big happening this month. Like, a new birth… or like a big vomit session. Either way, enjoy it up!

GEMINI
Gemmy-Wemmy, you will be awoken in the middle of the night this month on a Tuesday. Go downstairs to the basement. Something very important is waiting to greet you behind your furnace. Do you see it? Yes, there it is. The first evidence of an unfortunate cockroach infestation. Sorry, buddy.

CANCER
You will receive a ton of cash from a long lost friend that you forgot you had. Unfortunately the cash will be handed to you on the street corner as your old pal is gunned down in front of the corner store he just tried to rob. The money will be confiscated by the police shortly after. Go justice!

Chris Locke is a nine-year vet of acting silly for strangers in Toronto. He’s also performed his unique brand of humour for people in New York, Montreal and Halifax. He is one half of the Cream of Comedy nominated sketch troupe, “The Gurg.” He hosts the critically acclaimed monthly comedy variety show, “Let’s Get Hot!” at the Rivoli and has acted on such TV shows as Cock’d Gunns, The Jon Dore Show and The Border (which was kind of funny because he got shot in the head). Currently he is busy at work writing a ton of great ideas and filming a ton of great ideas.
www.chrislockecomedy.blogspot.com