ION at North by Northeast

The organizers of Toronto’s North By Northeast Festival have decided to bill the event as something between a local Indie showcase and an A-list moneymaker. This year, ION made certain treks (some country-wide, some not) to get tits-deep into this confusing, but altogether not-unpleasant summer scene of parties, lectures, bands and handshakes. Here we’re going to list our favourite and least-favourite times had in Canada’s storefront city during their annual celebration of all things music…ish.

Journalist reception
Yeah, we love free drinks, and any event with the word “reception” in it better have some. Tipped some bottles with people whose jobs it is to smile no matter what off-colour comments we make (see: Toronto Tourism Board). Dude from the Polaris Prize hates Factor as much as we do, but has a deep love for Tom Cochrane… like our editor does.

Some art show at some guy’s gallery on Shaw street
Wine nearly as delicious as the photographs by Seth Fluker. The Risk brothers got drunk, and are told by a foxy stylist that they’re the low-grade Chase brothers. Derek hasn’t seen Entourage, but still manages to accidentally do his best Johnny Drama impression.

Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head
Ah to be young. Naming your band something stupid and playing warped-pop-disco-punk reminiscent of 2002 is perfectly acceptable when you’re just barely the age of majority. A good band to book if you’re planning on throwing a party that consists mostly of drinking killer Kool-Aid.
www.myspace.com/natalieportmansshavedhead

The Juan MacLean
“I wanna introduce my band…” exclaims Juan. “…this is the theremin. It’s the hardest fucking instrument in the world to play.” He’s right, but plays it with aplomb. Only Angelo from Fishbone can do a better job, but that guy’s nuts. Enjoyed the band’s twenty-seven minute version of “Happy House” that slows down about 60 bpm before rising back up to make us sweat more. Good times, bad venue. The Tattoo Rock Parlour is an “alternative” club in the truest, most Nineties, most HMV sense of the word. Heard “Hey Man, Nice Shot” DJed in the secondary room.
www.ionmagazine.ca/2009/08/the-juan-maclean

Free Legal Advice Lecture
NXNE has a series of lectures from industry experts, and although most were thin, confusing, and downright bad, listening to Stacey Mitsopolous and a troupe of entertainment lawyers (most American, thank fucking God) was enlightening. They made certain to remind us that this kind of Q&A with a lawyer would generally cost an artist or a band about four hundred dollars an hour.

Songwriters Association of Canada Lecture
Have you ever wanted a team of (all-but-one) irrelevant idiots who you’ve never heard of try and tell you why your music isn’t going to make it anywhere, all the while trying to figure out why somebody with almost no credits you’ve heard of was chosen to sit on a panel and masquerade as an expert? Ever wanted to sit in this very room while listening to the worst music you’ve ever heard? We didn’t know what was worse, the supposed “experts” deciding what was good (sounds like a Factor jury) or listening to the music of artists and producers who are more interested in “making it” than they are in making reasonable music. We walked out of this one. This may have been the moment we realized how dire the Canadian music industry is. No wait… that moment was clearly somewhere in the midst of our time at the Junos.

Lecture on promotions
We skipped the “How to Slay On Stage with Moe Berg” lecture (trying to avoid Robin Black) and sat in on a lecture about advertising and marketing. Kenny Mac from Red Bull and the guy from Jagermeister get it. They share with us about how to have support from both companies without having to wear T-shirts emblazoned with logos. The lady from Fred Perry appears to have a scripted speech about her company, while the baby boomer in a suit who works for advertising laughs at our question about advertising being archaic, but looks nervous the entire time. Wished we could’ve TiVo’ed him.

Piper Davis
Maybe the most charismatic female performer in Canada. Sounding like a white Santigold, Piper lights up a stage (literally, she has a young lady on stage with her singing backups AND putting on a light show) despite a very early show and a poor turnout. Risk brother Derek thinks she channels Mick Jagger with her swagger. Just cocky enough while performing, she lights up when we talk to her after. “Thanks for coming! I had a great time!” Band that goes on after her puts up a visual that reads something about “As heard on MTV’s The Hills!!!”. Ew.
www.myspace.com/piperdavis

Matt and Kim
I’m reminded of the story of Charlie Parker hating free jazz and pulling a depression-era okie-doke by placing a group of children behind a sheet playing instruments for the first time, billing it as a free-jazz show. After applause thunders though the club, he pulls the sheet back and reveals the stupidity of the genre. One day, Matt and Kim will pronounce their fans’ ineptitude by revealing that they were making garbage sounds in an attempt to create a contemporary version of the Emperor’s New Clothes fable. As ION staff writer Nojan Aminosharei would say, “I don’t listen to music made by ugly people. That’s why I don’t watch music videos.”
www.myspace.com/mattandkim

Pants and Tie
If any of the Matt and Kim fans had stuck around the Whippersnapper Gallery (instead of wandering around the city to find the cheapest beer), they would have been treated to this Television/Suicide throwback outfit. Two young, handsome gentlemen dressed accordingly (see: band name) set up a bass rig, guitar rig, and sample station while a leisure-suited, middle-aged man paces around the venue. Risk brother Derek whispers, “See that guy who looks like their manager? That’s the singer.” Lighting up the art space with Alan Vega-esque antics, the frontman stands in the crowd for the last number, hollering in the face of our fashion editor Toyo about putting his penis inside an un-named actress. Finishes off with a polite “Thank you!”
www.myspace.com/pantsandtie

Factor Lecture
Hungover and in need of a comfortable chair, ION entered this lecture late. Too bad too, because we didn’t know what had already been covered. Questions we would have liked to have asked: “Why does 85 percent of Factor money have to go to Universal Canada artists?” “Is it true that Factor only has about eight months left?” “Don’t you think they have a better system in places like Sweden where the government will give out instruments or rehearsal spaces and let the artists make their own art?” “How do you justify making music an objective art by deciding what’s good and what’s bad with a council/jury?” “Why does Gene Simmons hate you, and has decided to crusade against all that’s wrong in the Canadian industry?” Listening to over-the-hill women try to encourage young, vulnerable minds to apply and “maybe you too can get a record deal!” makes tears stream down the faces of the ION staff. For shame Factor.
www.factor.ca

Danny Fields
A living legend, but maybe on his last legs. Defiantly states that he hasn’t enjoyed music since Soundgarden broke up, and has no time for stupid questions, like that of a pretentious, T-shirted snot; “When The Stooges recorded with a vacuum…” “What???”, interjects our lecturer “Where the hell did you hear that? Next question.” Danny Fields doesn’t disappoint. He does an impression of Nico, hits on a pretty girl who is clearly giddy to speak to him, and recounts some very candid stories about everybody from the MC5 to The Velvet Underground. Only time he enjoys a question is when we ask him about Jonathan Richman.

The Sonics
After ION interviewed these creators of all things loud and garage-y, they take the outdoor stage at Yonge Dundas Square. We were lucky enough to sit side stage while about 1500 suckers stuck it out in the rain. Drummer Ricky takes a break mid-set to pee, but that was about the only time the energy dropped. Hammond organs, Leslie speakers, raging sax, and songs about witches. The Sonics nailed it.
www.ionmagazine.ca/2009/08/the-sonics

Teen Anger
Love bands like this. Dirty Telecaster-a-billy, with a destructive drummer and a gorgeous, technically apt female bass player. The only shortcoming is their singer, who appears to have missed that day in music history where the melody was invented, and who dick-ishly barfs out something about how he just saw The Sonics and how he felt like he was at Casino-Rama. His Mom and Dad probably don’t understand him… hey! Maybe that’s where the band gets its name!
www.myspace.com/teenangerrr

Fake Blood
Late that night, the ION crew stammer over to Wrongbar, which we’re told is mostly for youngsters and ecstacy. Being held up at the door despite having press passes, our creative director Danny promises one of the festival’s domestiques an internship if she squeezes us in past the giant line. Have fun spending your days running to get Danny hair gel sweetie! Once we get inside, Fake Blood is surrounded by e-tards hanging from the ceiling, but with good reason. Not only does he play two CDJs and two turntables at once, but his technical ability is matched by his song choice, and aren’t those the only two important things about DJing? Okay, too hot in here. Time for bed.
www.myspace.com/welovefakeblood

North By Northeast isn’t without its charms, but we’re left to wonder if maybe they could eliminate the out-of-touch, Canadian industry lectures, and half-famous headliners (barely any of whom had any new material out this year) and sink back into a showcase of this country’s young, legitimate artists. There are a roster of artists and bands who have foregone the two decade-old idea of hustling a record deal out of a 55 year old execs who are the only hope for flipping Canada’s industry status as the most pathetic and misguided of the industrialized nations.

Words: Trevor Risk
Photographs of Teenanger: Jeremy R. Jansen