[Horoscopes] Cameron MacLeod

Aquarius
You are like a floating Esso gas station located on a lake. Boats use you to refill their tanks before heading back out for more non-stop water sports action. You’re charming. People without boats look at you from the shore and daydream about what it would be like to be onboard, but they can’t help thinking how awesome it would look if you were to explode.

Pisces
Many challenges lie ahead. First, a grueling six-course, gourmet meal, made by the professionals at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Served with a Texas mickey of sambuca, you will be expected to take a shot after every bite of chicken, potato salad, macaroni salad or coleslaw. The bottle must be finished. If you survive and refrain from vomiting, you will win a free meal at the fabulous Applebee’s.

Aries
The following is a list of things that could prove to be harmful or fatal to you this month if you should come in contact with them. A knife. A zombie. A spandex leotard. A towering inferno. A tank. A pair of Oakley sunglasses. Or a zombie with a knife in its teeth, who is driving a tank out of a towering inferno, while wearing Oakley sunglasses and a spandex leotard.

Taurus
Hey! You feelin’ a little down this month? Feelin’ like your socks are always wet, you have a saggy ass and your face looks like a half eaten Big Mac? Do yourself a favour. Go rent the movie Lars and the Real Girl, watch it and then go beat the shit out of a mannequin at Sears.

Gemini
“Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let you go. It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you…You love me again like you loved me before. This time I want you to love me much more. This time instead, just come to my bed, and baby just don’t let me down.” – Boyz II Men. SERIOUSLY! DON’T LET ME DOWN!

Cancer
“How can I prepare?” you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let them run over me with lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and let them trample me with raging elephants? Aaaaaaaah! You can feel it! Load the spaceship with rocket fuel! Load the spaceship with warriors!

Leo
This month treat yourself. Buy an overpriced cowboy hat and a brand new, bright yellow, Ford F-350 pickup truck, with Dually wheels. Smoke as many cigars as you can and find yourself a hot wife who likes to hang out in your dress shirts while she drinks bottles of champagne on your marble staircase at home. Enjoy country music.

Virgo
I know you’ve been thinking about getting involved in some burglaries around town. I also know you love classic style burglar masks. But if you choose to burgle, just remember one thing: while burgling is fun, it is dangerous. The fact that you can’t eat a hamburger without spilling on your shirt probably won’t help either.

Libra
September finds you focusing on numbers. Digits if you will. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, long division, Sudoku, calculators, telephone key pads, speed limits and people’s height. Don’t trust the tall man. He only wants you for your face. Keep your jowls tight and the midget army at bay.

Scorpio
Go have some sex. Now! I don’t care if you just had sex, rolled over, picked up this magazine and turned to this page; go have some sex. Be late for work and be honest about it. Say, “Sorry I’m late, but I was just having sex on the hood of an IROC…in the rain.” Chances are, you’ll get the rest of the day off.

Sagittarius
Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back. I didn’t think I’d see you around the rink after you stole my bike ramp and pawned it to buy that wicker furniture for your aunt’s gazebo. Did she love that crap furniture as much as I loved jumping my bike off of that homemade ramp? Probably not. PS. I heard your aunt’s a bitch.

Capricorn
A stranger is going to do something nice for you, but you must allow them to do it. It may seem like they are trying to scam you at first. They might seem untrustworthy. It might be because of their dreadlocks or the fact that they refuse to wear shoes. But when they go in to open-mouth kiss you, just go with it.

Cameron MacLeod is Human, man. He is one of the Comedy Curators for Olio Festival, host of The HERO show at the Biltmore Cabaret on the first Tuesday of every month and a cornerstone of the sketch group ManHussy. He is also a fortune teller.
www.manhussy.com
www.sleepequipment.blogspot.com