[Horoscopes] Shay Wilson

Capricorn
Your relentless, plodding ambition has always served you well in the workplace, but it won’t help against the forces of evil. Pretty soon you’ll be sacrificing babies and jumping out of high rise windows with everyone else. Preview the coming apocalypse by watching Argento’s The Mother of Tears.

Aquarius
You’ll find a blood-soaked child at the side of the road, but for God’s sake don’t take it home with you. Sure, it might return the favour by dismembering your enemies, but then you’ll have to clean up after it until it decides you’re next. Watch Let the Right One In.

Pisces
Suspicions that your secret crush is actually a blood-guzzling vampire are about to be brutally confirmed. You’re drawn to complicated relationships so this might work out all right for you. The neighbourhood dogs, however, will not be so fortunate. You’ll enjoy the fang-banging Korean flick Thirst.

Aries
When the demons arrive you’ll take them on while the rest of us cower in the corner. Just remember the most common last words of people who have their eyeballs chewed out are “Oh shit” and try to give us something original for posterity. Check out Evil Dead II for pointers.

Taurus
You’ll be the last to know about the zombie apocalypse and they’ll probably leave you alone because you already act like one. Fortunately, you saw it coming and have been stockpiling flamethrowers for years. Rock and roll with Japanese splatter fest Wild Zero.

Gemini
Solve your relationship troubles by installing a steel door on the bathroom and encouraging your significant other to hide whenever they see you take out your zipper-mouth, button-eye mask. It’s called compromise. After all, you did warn them that David Cronenberg’s character in Nightbreed is your idol.

Cancer
I know you’d rather continue to bake cookies than deal with the zombies vomiting all over your kitchen window, but it’s time to face your destiny. Plus, they’re starting to trample your flowerbeds and that really ticks you off. Find another reluctant hero in Shaun of The Dead.

Leo
The good news is the monsters won’t get you. The bad news is one of the people you’re trapped with is going to brain you with a pickaxe. Everyone will pretend it was an accident and be secretly thankful that someone finally shut you up. That’s teamwork in The Descent style.

Virgo
When the newspaper article is published, the world will know it was you who told the other scientists not to kill the “cute” mutant tadpole three years ago. Is that really how you want this fiasco to turn out? Remember what happened in The Host.

Libra
At first, you’ll be tickled to inherit the hereditary title and manor house in the English countryside. When you find out you either have to slay the local beast or be sacrificed to it, make like Hugh Grant in Lair of the White Worm and break out the dynamite.

Scorpio
Your current relationship probably won’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you have to join the undead and torment your ancestors with visions until they kill their spouses. That’s just mean. Get your kicks by watching The Blood Spattered Bride instead.

Sagittarius
When the cops show up, just smile and act confused as usual and you’ll get away with it. I would suggest resisting your typical urge to blurt it out anyway, but knowing you, you’re already starring in your own serial killer mockumentary a là Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.

Shay Wilson’s writing has recently appeared in Geist and on Joyland.ca. She works in the film industry and blogs about fashion at theongoingproject.blogspot.com.