[Horoscopes] by Marc Godfrey

Aquarius
No one is going to pay you money to “give their pets the finger!” Stop blaming the current poor economy for your inability to find a job. Times are tough, but off the top of my head I can think of one profession that has been booming… Job dismissal! It’s been one of North America’s fastest growing industries! My advice for you is to try a career in job dismissal. You’d get to sit behind a desk and fire troublemakers and smart alecks!

Pisces
In the past you’ve allowed yourself to be held back because you tended to listen to what other people have to say. Big mistake! The best advice a Pisces can get is the advice that he/she can give her/he-self. The Chinese have a saying, 勿以恶小而为之，勿以善小而不。惟贤惟德 and this is especially true for Pisces. Surround yourself with sycophants who applaud everything you do and your month will be Sycophantastic!!

Aries
Aries is quite possibly the most mysterious sign in the astrological zodiac! Very little is known about the dark, mysterious and enigmatic Aries. What is the source of the Aries aura of mystery? Why Is Aries such an enigma shrouded in mystery, wrapped in enigma? No one knows… no one cares.

Taurus
Who really needs “words” anyway? This month you will find yourself communicating complex ideas using only simple gestures. Thanks to this revolutionary approach to interaction you’ll find that you have more YOU time! (Which, loosely translated to a gesture, would be cupping your right hand and making an up-and-down jerking motion.)

Gemini
It’s time to stop dissing all the Sucker MCs. Rather than gloating and putting them down for being “wack,” try kinder, gentler and more supportive rhymes and perhaps you could help Sucker MCs develop the confidence they need to improve their rhymes and their skills, which they could then potentially use to pay their bills. Stop hatin’ and let’s make the Rap Game a better, more positive environment for everybody.

Cancer
Louisa May Alcott once famously quipped to Queen Victoria, “It’s not the face one fucks, it’s the fuck one has to face!” A century later and these words still ring true. Besides all the sexual diseases that you’ll contract throughout the month you should also be mindful of the H1N1 flu. Remember, it’s never too late to start keeping a “bucket list!” Here’s one from mine: Situla… which is a lovely ancient Roman type of bucket.

Leo
Good News! After all your hard work, the many tireless nights spent studying, scouring through books, reading and re-reading, repeating phrases over and over until they were drilled into your head, cramming all night and then cramming all day, well, it’s all finally paid off! Leo, you now officially DO have a license to fly low!

Virgo
A recent study claimed that women who have sex with intelligent men become more intelligent! This was revealed to be a fraud started by the scientific community in a desperate attempt to lose their virginity. Just because you read it somewhere doesn’t mean it’s true! However, recent studies have found that women who have sex with horoscope writers have better luck, lead healthier, happy lives and become much, much smarterer!

Libra
Besides premature ejaculation, Libras are best known for being trendsetters. This month Libras should get a head start on the ‘Noughties’ (2000-2009) revival! It was a golden decade where everyone was either gay married or gay divorced! And, of course, the music… Madonna, Prince, Bono and Adam Ant were all topping the HIT parade! And music was FREE back in those days, thanks to the interwebnet!! Yeah Baby! Schwing!

Scorpio
This month, with your giant death ray laser beam nearly completed, you will soon be able to present your demands to the world’s leaders! However, one uninvited visitor has an annoying habit of showing up where he’s not welcome. He also has the annoying habit of NOT STAYING DEAD! Have your henchmen take care of him and make sure that he STAYS DEAD this time! Your lucky numbers are 007, 11, 711 and 69.

Sagittarius
They all had a good laugh at your expense back in high school because you thought that the capital of Canada was “C.” Well, they can snicker all they want. You have finally found a serious cause! Nobody will be laughing at you when you launch your campaign to have ‘Penmanship’ recognized as an Olympic sport!

Unicorn
Don’t let obstacles stand in your way. Tackle challenges head on! You should throw yourself into the work that others may shy away from. It could prove to be a watershed month for you, especially if you build a watershed in your backyard! If anybody tries to convince you to get aboard an Ark, just ignore them!! A little rain has never hurt anyone and you’ve got a watershed!

Besides being an avid collector and archivist of spam emails, Marc ‘Lord’ Godfrey is the frontman for pop hitmakers Soulkid #1. Back in the halcyon ‘Noughties’ they signed to Dreamworks Records but were fired for being “Smart Alecks.” Lord Godfrey then established Secret Agent Records and scored a big hit in California that can be heard on a bunch of annoying American movies and TV shows. Lord Godfrey is also a renowned master of the kung fu and hopes that one day parts of him will be classified as deadly weapons.

www.myspace.com/soulkid1