Horoscopes by Ryan Steele

CAPRICORN
You are feeling really dark and against the world. Dwell in this. Go into your room, turn off the lights and rave dance to the Mortal Kombat theme. You will feel alive. As sweat drips from your forehead, think of all the starving people in the world. It sure sucks to be them.

AQUARIUS
Remember last month when you saw that guy at the park and he looked like a rapist? And you thought you should call the authorities, but didn’t because your cell phone bill was too expensive? Well, just so you know, the rapist went on a huge raping spree and it’s your fault. Be prepared to rot in hell.

PISCES
Uh oh. Things are not looking good for you Piscerama. Jupiter is having her biggest period in years and there is blood all over the solar system. This is totally going to screw up your life. Like really bad. It’s worse than when your Dad pig roasted your Mom at the family reunion (even though she totally deserved it).

ARIES
It’s your time to glisten! Some rockin’ planets are in your sign this month. Translation: You need to let your hair down and go for it! Take chances! Condoms? No thanks, you trust everybody. Mystery needles? Yes please. Also, an old family enemy will return and attempt to kill a young child that you have recently befriended.

TAURUS
You are so hot right now. Like VENGABOYS hot. Like Vanna White in 1984 hot. Like Sarah Palin’s special needs child hot. Like a shower full of 13-year-old-boys hot. Like a car accident hot. Super Socco hot! Put on your best outfit and hit up your local pub. You deserve it!

GEMINI
Ever since 9/11 you have felt a need to make a change. You’ve shaved your head, watched every episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and enrolled in Latin Funk dance classes. You are now ready to kick ass. Unfortunately, the planets don’t feel the same way. A disease similar to cancer is coming for you. Yikes!

CANCER
You used to be cool. What happened? Well, for one, stop calling your bra your ‘sexy purse’. Ugh. And stop telling bartenders that it’s your birthday EVERYTIME you go to the bar. And get that freakin’ mole removed on your face. It’s NOT a beauty mark. It looks like a moose shit on your cheek.

LEO
Remember that tranny you ran over last week? Well, she caught your license plate number with her one good eye. You are fucked. She is angrier than Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know What You Did Last Summer. And that bitch was ANGRY. You need to sell all your Kinder Surprise toys and use the money to buy a new face. Good luck.

VIRGO
A wise woman once told Pee Wee Herman that there is no basement in the Alamo. The same advice goes for you. Your bike is gone. Deal with it. Move on. Your rich and chunky arch nemesis Francis took it. You must find Large Marge and get rides to work from her. She drives a semi and pees into a catheter. Trust her.

LIBRA
The time has finally come for you to stop making racist remarks. It isn’t funny anymore. It might have been hilarious in 2009, but it’s 2010 now. It’s time to grow up. You also need to take down your fake Facebook profile of a fat girl who keeps poking hot model guys. It’s not cool.

SCORPIO
Bad Um Ching! It’s your time to be the class clown. Dig out your calculator and spell BOOBLESS. Hilarious! Gun down a kindergarten class and say “Did I do that?” Amazing! Call your Dad and tell him you want to suck his dick. Ha ha! Nothing is off limits! Go for it!!

SAGITTARIUS
Oh Sagi, remember when you kicked Leo in the spine? I do. I was dating Leo at the time so I had to hide my laughter, but that shit was funny. Anyway, long story short, Leo killed my hamster, MC Hamster, so I moved in with Taurus again. Random, I know. Anywhos, your lucky numbers this month are four and the asterix sign.

Ryan Steele writes and produces his own sketch comedy show, self absorbingly called ‘The Ryan Steele Show’. He really likes cats and lightning bolts. Check out the videos on his website for a good laugh.

[www.ryansteeleshow.com]