Horoscopes by Rebecca Kohler

ARIES
The moon is rising in the east (near the Starbucks). This is a good time for you to look at the past. Go to the attic and look at the dusty artifacts and skulls that you find there. You can bring a coffee from the Starbucks to drink while you look at the dust. Maybe try a new flavour syrup.

TAURUS
A good friend might have the stomach flu this week. In other news, you might meet a new love interest. There are monies on the horizon. You may get the stomach flu a few days after your friend. Your dog may die. Family will get on your nerves but redeem themselves at Sunday dinner. Sunday dinner will be roast beef. Your niece is annoying

GEMINI
The Gemini is known to be the most self-centered sign. You need to stop talking about yourself; no one cares that your hair dryer broke or about that cyst on your ovary. TMI! It would be good for you to turn your focus towards others. Why not ask your friend Paul about his ingrown toenail or Sandra about her new boobs?

CANCER
I just booked a ticket to go to Austin, Texas. I can’t really afford the trip but I’m really excited; Austin is supposed to be an awesome town. Have you ever been to Austin? No? Well that’s typical of you Cancer. You’re always being a wet blanket. Even your sign name is a downer.

LEO
Hi, I’m a single white (petite) female seeking a tall/well-built man. I enjoy jogging, bird watching and books about fairies. I’m a great kisser too! I recently got over a longterm relationship and feel like I’m ready to get out there again. If you’re looking for a warm, loyal companion, please contact me.

VIRGO
I am a Virgo! We most amazing sign. Always looking hot and taking phone calls because we so popular! Everyone wants to be our friend and buy us things. Men take us in the cars to rich restaurants! Virgo, this is a good month for you to continue being da bess!

LIBRA
Avoid direct eye contact with homeless people as this will encourage them to talk to you (side eye contact is permissible). If you talk to a homeless person for too long, they can put a curse on you! And when I say ‘put a curse’ I mean ‘give you tuberculosis’. I know you want to help, but it’s time for you to sit idly by and watch the homeless perish.

SCORPIO
Mars is in the solar system’s milky area which means good things for you in the career category, but terrible things for your love life. When Mars gets milky it makes you less attractive because your inner chakras becomes exposed (and inner chakras are the ugliest ones). Try dressing up your outer chakras and hope for the best.

SAGITTARIUS
My brother is a Sagittarius and he’s kind of a douchebag. Like, once I asked if I could borrow his nail clippers and he was all, “I don’t share nail clippers.” And I was like, “A) I’m your sister and B) I don’t have AIDS or finger herpes.” But he still wouldn’t lend them.

CAPRICORN
Confucius says “A bird in the feather is as light as a stone.” And this applies to you more than ever right now Capricorn. When you kill two stones with one bird’s feather, it makes for 13 in the hand. Use all the resources at your disposal if you want to come out of this alive.

AQUARIUS
Did you know that Oprah is an Aquarius? It must be hard trying to live up to how rich and famous she is. Like, she has her own magazine and all you have is a coupon for a free pad thai. I’ll bet this has you suffering a lot. You should write Oprah and maybe she’ll do a show about it.

PISCES
You can’t go around living your life asleep. It’s dangerous (especially when you’re driving) and people find it awkward talking to you because your eyes are closed. There are some great over-the-counter medications that can help you perk up: ginseng, cocaine, a slap in the face. (I can send you some coke in the mail, cheap!)

Rebecca Kohler is a stand-up comic based in Toronto, USA.

[www.rebeccakohler.com]