Horoscopes by Maxwell Maxwell

CANCER
According to Wikipedia, Cancers are “loving” and “imaginative.” You’re just neurotic and not really good at anything, though, which makes trying to live like you’re a character from one of the quirky, heartwarming films of director Michel Gondry pretty difficult. Good thing you have a trust fund. Consider a trip abroad or art school. Or better yet, art school abroad!

LEO
All the people at the non-profit volunteer run, pansexual, wheelchair-accessible, antiracist dance party know that you were one of the popular kids in high school and they’re talking all kinds of shit about you every time you go outside to smoke your American Spirits.

VIRGO
I know this one guy who goes to lots of events and always dresses kind of outlandishly but looks really sharp, and your pictures end up on the same party blogs, and it’s kind of obvious that you’re trying to look like him but it’s not working because he has better bone structure and taste. Sorry.

LIBRA
Scorpios are intensely sexual beings who are easily able to express themselves physically. Their sensual nature often leads to incredible chemistry in the bedroom, especially with a fellow water sign like Pisces or Cancer. Unfortunately, you’re actually a Libra, so you probably just like fucking a lot of dudes because of your messed up relationship with your dad.

SCORPIO
You have a beer gut you didn’t have to pay for and your hearing is permanently shot from blasting illegally downloaded Diplo remixes over shitty dive-bar sound systems. If blogs could give out medals, you’d have a Purple Heart. Go get ‘em, tiger.

SAGITTARIUS
“Sagittarius” is incredibly hard to spell and if you squint when you look at it, the word sort of looks like “sad,” “twit,” “saggy tits” and “virus” all mushed up together. Coincidentally, those words also pretty much describe your future.

CAPRICORN
Jupiter says don’t let them take you alive, but is unclear who exactly “they” are. Lucky for you, astrology is a bunch of horseshit and only taken seriously by earnest vegetarian women who believe strongly in angel energy and who buy porcelain dolls off the Home Shopping Network when they get older.

AQUARIUS
Quick-witted Aquarians, in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, would likely be sorted into Ravenclaw. You already know this, because your fear of grown-up books leaves ample time for 1,200-page Ron/Dumbledore male pregnancy fanfics. Romance is unlikely: Venus’ movements suggest that you quit wasting your money on flowers and restaurants and invest in a fleshlight and some more anime.

PISCES
Your band is getting some major buzz on all the blogs, your blog is breaking all the new buzz bands, and bands are blogging about how they got buzzed with you backstage. None of this changes the fact that you’re painfully awkward and you smell like a dumpster full of rotting smegma.

ARIES
Pabst Blue Ribbon is an American beer that was made popular with “the kids” due to its cheapness, its enjoyment by poor people in fly over states and its recommendation by an apoplectic Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. Despite sharing all these qualities with PBR, you are popular with no one at all. Go figure.

TAURUS
You’re looking a little hefty lately. Sure, you could cut back on the drinking and junk food and go for a jog or something, but why not just go for the gold and see how long it takes you to get your very own ham-powered electric mobility scooter? According to Neptune, walking is for suckers.

GEMINI
Throughout the upcoming weeks, romance is in the air for Gemini. This probably won’t go over well with your current boyfriend, who has yet to find out about your total inability to have more than three drinks without slipping and falling on a dick.

Maxwell Maxwell is a 23-year-old electronic music producer, DJ, and host of a weekly radio show on CiTR 101.9FM. He was born in the San Francisco Bay Area, and currently lives in Vancouver. By now, his remix of Larry Tee’s “Agyness Deyn” is probably available on a blog near you.
[www.myspace.com/maxwellmaxwell]