Horoscopes by Ryan Kerr

LEO
Even when it’s your time of year, remember that even the cutest of polar bears can’t smile or wink away the melting ice caps. Nor can your excellent hair save you from terrible shoes. Avoiding areas that need attention will only lead to, well, less excellent hair overall.

VIRGO
You’ll never get anything done if you just stand there. Take off your pop-bottle glasses and headgear and step into the friggin’ sunshine already! I’m sure that under all that nonsense, you’re even an attractive person. And if not, follow someone attractive to a Pilates class!

LIBRA
Remember to sort your plastics from your paper and glass—especially now. Avoid certain death by reading from solar-powered iPads instead of wasteful printed pulp and paper publications. You don’t want the Green Army to penalize you for not donating enough endangered Milk Thistle seeds to the We-Live-Better-Than-You-Live Society. Or maybe you DO!

SCORPIO
Sylvester Stallone’s mother, Jackie, is also an astrologer. In addition to inventing “rumpology” (AKA the palmistry of your butt), she has published books on more traditional star signs. In one, she says Scorpians are known for their beautiful genitalia. Share my confidence in Jackie and make your gifts KNOWN already!

SAGITTARIUS
It’s not your fault if that lunchtime quickie left your house and was immediately hit by a bus. Fact is, bad stuff happens. If you ever wanna avert a global disaster—ie a Backstreet Boys Reunion LP—don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. Only a useless idiot would keep that up!

CAPRICORN
Being alive is a lot like baking a cake. Too much salt and it’s game over. Plus, you only get one chance (per cake). Just for kicks, why not try a new approach to creating something you can be proud of. Season these upcoming months with moderate doses of fun rather than typical binge drinking marathons. You’re an irritating drunk.

AQUARIUS
When the Aquarian Sun aligns with the Pescatarian Moon, a Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian will become a Twilight Vegan. Translation: you will be bombarded with watery, meaningless tripe this season. Question is, will you choose to ingest it?

PISCES
Dear Piscean, allow me to impart some wise words I once shared with my fishy mother. MAKE A FUCKING DECISION ALREADY. It’s not like you haven’t weighed the shit out of the options. Or, conversely, don’t. It’s not my life.

ARIES
Aries-heads have a lot goin’ on. Always good with your hands, great skin etc, etc. It’s just that dour-as-shit grimace you’ve been sporting recently that’s putting people off. You know that expression about lemons? Well stop sucking them already! Whiney looks about as good on you as navy socks in tan leather sandals look on my mother.

TAURUS
You bulls have such a crummy reputation. It’s always you, bottle in hand, clumsily smashing delicate objects with your knobby heads. More than once, you are the first to leave the party—out of shame. I’ve always felt that you have so much more to offer. But you know what? I’ve been wrong before!

GEMINI
Using the expression “polar opposites” to describe two incomparable things seems wrong to me. First of all, the North and South Poles are BOTH fucking inhabitable wastes of space. Secondly, they’re similarly icy cold, lame, and remote. Maybe your “bi-polar” personalities aren’t such opposites either. Think about it…

CANCER
Not everyone wants a Cancer. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can dump that piece of trash you’re dating and aim for someone who actually wants you for you. Someone hot? Focused maybe? Even rich? Nevermind, you’re gonna ignore this and just “take a break” aren’t you?

Ryan Kerr is an artist, author and performer based in Toronto. His first book, On Growin’ Up was just recently published and should be 10% as successful as a Canadian Bestseller by the end of this year. Ryan has a fetish for vintage glassware and things in general that are pretty but impractical. He also laughs at his own jokes.
[www.ongrowinup.com]