Horoscopes by Taz VanRassel

VIRGO
Get out there, Virgo. Think outside the box. Don’t be afraid to be seen, get noticed and turn a few heads this month. Wear Crocs with your suit. Ride a unicycle to work. Get two cockatoos, name them Merlin and Arthur, then wear them like shoulder pads all around town. Live your life out loud!

LIBRA
Stop living in the past Libra. I don’t care if the flux capacitor now runs on garbage and it’s super economical and green. It’s irresponsible. Also, there are studies that have linked time travel to Parkinson’s disease.

SCORPIO
Here’s something you don’t need this month, Scorpio: authority. Wriggle your little wrists out of the zipties of society. Kill your TV. Eat the rich. Freebase the internet. Blowjob the government. Swine flu the HST. Newspaper box through a bank window the police. Rip up and burn the indie fashion zine… no, no wait! Oh fuck, am I fired?

SAGITTARIUS
Quit your job Sagittarius. Tell no one. Instead of going to work every day, compete in outdoor paintball tournaments. Before you know it, this will be your new job! Now you can finally say to your dad, “I make more money than you now, old man.” This is how Jack Johnson made it, except he competed in beautiful song tournaments.

CAPRICORN
An innocent child sits beneath a waterfall made of dreams. This image best describes you this month, Capricorn. A naked woman bursts through a wall of skulls onto a horse comprised of Chinese characters, all of which is inside a tribal sun wearing a top hat and smoking a joint. This image best describes my tattoo.

AQUARIUS
Settle in at home this month, Aquarius. Get a good book, do a Costco run, and prepare for a little fall hibernation. Light a candle, turn on your Roomba and let it glide. Run a hot bath, put on some Amanda Marshall and snort your body weight in fine-grade Colombian cocaine. You deserve it!

PISCES
I heard you never went to your prom, Pisces. Well, it’s never too late. Get a Baby Phat dress, Skyy vodka and some ecstasy. Now you just have to make out with your Grade 11 lab partner, have a cry fight with your BF and, finally, enjoy the sunrise from the comfort of a rented cruise ship covered in streamers, vomit and memories.

ARIES
Don’t jump Aries! You have too much to live for. Think about your family, your friends… uh, your blog? Who will post rare MF Doom tracks and wax poetic about the similarities between Jamie Oliver and Raekwon? Your weird rap blog needs you,. Also, Devin the Dude is relying on your links to his MySpace.

TAURUS
It is said that Zeus once took the form of a bull, went to earth and sexed up a woman, siring a hybrid son that was half man, half bovine. This freak of nature was appointed guardian of the fabled labyrinth. Only to be slain by Theseus. So, that’s a lesson right there, Taurus. Keep your gross sex stuff to the internet.

GEMINI
Be a good neighbour this month, Gemini. Trim those rose bushes that are infringing on the property line. Put a robe on your creepy wife. Take down your Confederate flag window curtain. Shut down operations on your rooftop opium den. Most importantly, for the love of Gaia, recycle better.

CANCER
This month is great for important decisions involving travel, education, animals, love and diet. So go ahead, Cancer. Take that trip to China. Take a course on etiquette. Meet a panda. Fall in love with and publicly have an affair with the panda. Then eat the panda and any subsequent sex tapes, all the while using the appropriate chopsticks.

LEO
Cats were considered very holy in ancient Egypt. But guess what, Leo? You’re a human! No amount of body modification is going to change that. I hope you feel dumb for getting yourself spayed and neutered now. Also, just pick one operation. Unless you’re a hermaphrodite, which is a totally different issue.

Taz VanRassel is a Vancouver based actor/improviser/comedian/jerk. Catch him every Sunday at the Hennessey dining lounge with his group The Sunday Service. Also observe him with other such groups as: Vancouver Theatresports League, Urban Improv, Hilari-YES!, the Vancouver Comedic Players and countless more wacky named ensembles.
[www.thesundayservice.ca]