Selection

ION has added a new feature where we make an arbitrary list about an even more arbitrary musical subject. Some call it lazy, others call it derivative. We just think we hang out in bars too often. This issue’s list is of the most misogynist songs we could think of. Music is usually either made by women, about women, or to get women, but these are the tunes to keep away from any mixtape you’re planning on making for a belle. Also, we tried our darndest to make sure it wasn’t entirely made up of rap.

Illustration: Troy Alden

[1] The Rolling Stones “Under My Thumb” – Sniff past that sexy marimba line and you’ll find Mick Jagger bragging about his pet Siamese cat of a girl. Recently it was placed perfectly in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World in the scene where Jason Schwartzman’s character steals back a buxom Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Michael Cera with the use of a mind control device. Key lyric: It’s down to me/The way she does just what she’s told.

[2] Too $hort “Freaky Tales” – Ten full minutes of line after line of Too $hort (or Todd as his mother calls him) spitting about his conquests and disgusting sexual anecdotes. Too $hort can rhyme girls’ names better than even Stuart Murdoch. Key lyric: She’s like another freak named Renee/You get her alone and she’ll make your day/Like Burger King, she knows the play/But a freak like Renee, you can have it your way.
[3] Dave Porter “I’m The Boss” – Using bossa nova as the medium to proclaim your dominance over your wife generally doesn’t win you points in the bedroom or the charts. Peppering the refrain with “Do Do Do Do Do Do Do” might fool some into thinking it’s a swanky love song, but with deeper analysis, it’s a commanding statement about who’s wearing the pants in Dave’s house. Key lyric: Who spanks the baby whenever he’s so bad?/Baby it’s you, I know it makes you sad/But remember I’m the boss.

[4] Johnny Thunders “Little Bit Of Whore” – Ex-guitarist for the New York Dolls, Johnny Thunders, puts his sleazy stamp on the world with his solo, post-Heartbreakers boogie rock anthem. Apparently Johnny believes that deep down, every girl is ready to be his backstage blow up doll. Key lyric: Well you talk about Jackie, I talk about Jackie-O/How she goes down lower than anybody else you bet/Well there’s a little bit of whore in every little girl.

[5] DJ Deeon “Suck It” – Really any track off of the late Disco D’s famed mix A Night at the Booty Bar could have been included, but maybe the rap demands of “Suck It” trump them all. Too bad ghettotech hip hop faded away. It walked the tightrope of tongue-in-cheek versus serious filth better than any BET comic, and it was pioneered by a skinny white boy from Detroit. Key lyric: Dick and balls/In your jaws/Drop them drawers/So I can bang them walls.

Okay, now call your mother and tell her you love her, then later serenade your lady with a rendition of the Beach Boys’ “Don’t Worry Baby”. We’re going to go have a shower.