Horoscopes – Issue 73

THIS MONTH: ERNOLD SANE

Ernold Sane is a happy person, he just has little to no patience for humans. He will break a nose to defend his friends, but will look the other way if you’re beating a child and possibly give you words of encouragement.

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ARIES: Seems like no one is taking your bait on PlentyofFish because mermaids don’t eat chum. Maybe you need to broaden your horizons by casting a bigger net and being open to the bottom feeders. Sadly you’ll never hear the phrase “It’s a keeper”.

TAURUS: The stars align to circle around your head. You were beaten so bad with the ugly stick even your father wouldn’t molest you. Later in the month you will be accused of being a predator. It’s not the first time. You just have that look. Luckily a mountain of candy couldn’t entice the fattest child.

AQUARIUS: The new moon brings a love interest. Unfortunately, it also brings diarrhea, abandonment and death. The only thing sadder than your existence at this moment is Countess Luanne’s new single. At least she has a wreck her deal; you have AIDS. There isn’t a mountain of pills good enough to make that go away… good luck. C’est bon, c’est bon.

GEMINI: Puffing up your lips won’t take away your man-face. If you were made into a cartoon figure you would be Shrek 3D. You’re like a car alarm; people ignore you. Ever wonder why people disappear after there’s a pause in a sentence? You get more eye rolls than a rear view mirror on a handicapped bus. With your luck you’ll be raped AFTER you’re murdered.

CANCER: “Look at me” month is really working out well for you. We all hate you and have you on “hide feed”, the one step away from “delete”. You’re not fooling anybody. You’re still the joke we all wanna forget, and nobody’s laughing. We avoid you at parties, we never invite you for dinner and if you died on a toilet we would flush.

LEO: Imitation is flattery but a blatant rip off stinks as bad as your taint after a bike ride from Wreck Beach. Critical Mass denied you. Your cut and paste life looks like a kindergarten project managed by Gary Busey. Quit now while your gunt is ahead.

LIBRA: Lucky you’re not a twin so you don’t have to see your ugly ass face everyday. Unfortunately for the rest of the humans we have to witness your disproportionate body, useless mind, and a face that looks like it was dropped into a volcano (pre Proactiv). Your eyes are as piercing as a dead fish and you need to be scaled down.

CAPRICORN: It seems the phrase “I live at my mom’s place” works about as well as, “I have ugly genitalia” and quite frankly you’re cramping your mom’s style. She gets way more action than you. You thought people were recognizing you, until you saw your mom’s website www.mysontheloser.com

SCORPIO: Aim low and you’ll always end up high. Your girlfriend takes bigger shits than the size of your head. Stop feeding her or tape that shit up coz no one wants to see the outcome, especially now that you’ve decided that unemployment is the new job. Grease your streak up and zip up your leathers cos it’s gonna be a long ride to nowhere.

PISCES: You’re not an alpha male, you’re a fem-male with a kryptonite cock. Women, dogs and dead bodies do not wanna lie with you. Quit being such a head pusher, no one wants to kiss it. Your cat wouldn’t eat it with apple sauce. You’re too smart to be retarded, but dumb enough that you are.

SAGITTARIUS: Too bad working out takes such a toll on your face. Looks like things aren’t “working out”. Your face looks like a leather glove that was soaked in blood, tied in a knot and put in a box for 20 years. You smell like a lost tampon and no one’s looking for ya.

VIRGO: Too bad your mother’s new year’s resolution wasn’t to abort you . The area between the twat and the shitter is called the Twitter. Leaving it non descriptive and silent is how we like it. Next time you open your mouth instead of your Twitter (which would have nothing to say but “wipe me”) remember; your face still looks like flesh jerky dried over a hot teepee, your breath smells like fresh corpse and the only people who read your Twitter gave birth to you.