Horoscopes – Issue #74

Maxwell Maxwell is a music fella and sometimes DJ who is working on a fancy new project which is so secret he can’t tell you about it.

ARIES

People don’t “get” you sometimes, and that’s okay. Just keep doing your own thing, and try not to get any blood or feces on anybody who didn’t sign up for it beforehand.

TAURUS

If you’re born to a rich family on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, then sent to an exclusive performing arts school, then have your first album get released by Interscope and sell over 12 million copies, it comes across as incredibly grating when you talk about what an amazing journey it’s been and how much of an outsider you are as a slender

young blonde who wears revealing clothing and makes pop music about “being in the club” and “wanting to have sex with guys.” That’s not to say that your music is objectively bad, but being a fan

of something listed under “Great CDs for Your Collection” on Walmart.com doesn’t make one part of any kind of “movement.”

GEMINI

Everybody sometimes has the fear that they are totally, completely incompetent at and unqualified for something; a relationship, their job, maybe a hobby. That fear keeps people from writing a novel, asking for a raise, or maybe just being happy. Look at Milli Vanilli, though. These guys were faking it, and they managed to have a pretty good run, despite getting caught. Sure, the Grammy people took away their award, and they eventually broke up, but they had a good few years of limousines and free drugs. Besides, how many pop acts from 1988 are still around today anyway? Take a page out of their book and try a little fake confidence (after all, it’s not like anybody else isn’t faking it). Cocaine helps!

CANCER

Amy Winehouse was a pretty good singer with a serious hard-on for Billie Holiday, which led to her being too constantly fucked up to do any singing, putting on a series of terrible concerts, and then dying. Like so many people, Amy let being a drama queen get in the way of actually doing anything with her life (making more than two songs in the last four years, for example). Your life, unlike Amy’s, is probably not going to be the subject of a made-for-TV movie or an episode of Behind The Music (do they still do that show? I don’t have cable), so all that drinking you do because of your mean, mean ex-boyfriend or whatever isn’t making anyone feel sorry for you because they just don’t care. Put down the crack pipe, get a haircut, and stop drinking before noon. Then get out there and do something. This obviously doesn’t apply if you’re not particularly good at anything; in that case, feel free to smoke all the crack you want.

LEO

Some people are brilliant. Some people are immensely talented. You, on the other hand, have an interesting haircut and fifteen minutes of fame. Use it! Release an album (Can’t sing? No problem, just mumble about champagne into a microphone and let AutoTune do the rest!) Write your memoirs! (Totally illiterate? No problem, so’s your fanbase!) You’re going to have an opportunity to make a bunch of money thanks to a brief stint as a D-list celebrity, so take it and don’t let go. And remember, when you’re on Celebrity Rehab a year from now, always make sure the camera’s getting your good side before you throw a handful of your own steaming urine at Latoya Jackson.

VIRGO

You’re not cool, and you’re never going to be, and that’s okay. You’re making money and clearly enjoying yourself. When was the last time you saw a really cool person who looked like they were having a good time anyway? They’re all dumpy girls or bearded elfin man-children hanging out at depressing parties, drinking shitty beer and listening to either “ironic” rap or indistinguishable punk bands who all sound like early Joy Division.

LIBRA

If you’ve got a functional set of fuck parts and you’re working a day job, you’re a sucker. Get out there and find a sugar daddy/momma who’s willing to trade the temporary use of your bum, vagina, and/or peen for cold, hard cash! Getting jizzed on by an aging, conservative politician to make rent money might not seem like a tonne of fun, especially to the less adventurous fellas, but would you really rather spend 60 hours slinging burgers in a hot, filthy kitchen? Side Note: While there’s nothing wrong with sex work, fucking some guy who bought you a $4 gin and tonic makes you a prostitute who is working for less than minimum wage.

SCORPIO

You think you’re going to make a big dramatic exit and then your loser ex (or whoever) will pay attention to you! Too bad something much more important happens the next day, making sure that no one will ever care about your drama queen bullshit. Whether it’s an attention-grabbing intentional heroin overdose or a really nasty email to that former BFF who’s DEAD TO YOU FOREVER, try and remember that dramatic exits are totally pointless and will just end up limiting you in future.

SAGITTARIUS

You smug, smug cunt. Everyone with half a brain can see that you’re a smug cunt, and your false displays of humility are pathetically transparent. Being a smug cunt all the time must have pickled your brain, because there’s no way a normal person would think that dressing up like somebody’s dad going as a “rock star” for an office Halloween party and playing bland, shitty music for stadiums full of middle-aged white guys makes you in any way qualified to act as some kind of representative of the third world. Also, when you go talk to the United Nations about how rich people need to stop being stingy fucks and contribute more to the nation’s poor, and your band moves all its business operations to another country so you don’t have to pay taxes in your native Ireland (you know, so those gross poor people can’t get their hands on any of the money you make selling shitty CD’s full of bland admonishments to contribute to the poor), you look like an enormous hypocrite in addition to being a smug cunt.

CAPRICORN

Oh man, it’s that guy again. Shit. You were going to go see an awesome band or DJ or something and here’s this guy, playing the worst music in the world, fist-pumping away on stage beforehand. He totally sucks and nobody likes him and he’s obviously never going to get any more popular despite having been a DJ for the past decade, so why does he keep getting booked? The answer is persistence and schmoozing; two things which are really useful for anybody. Keep fucking doing what you’re doing and eventually you’ll go somewhere with it (even if, as with this guy, you totally suck ass.) Also, schmoozing people is really important. Turns out that this guy is bros with the people who bring in the acts you actually want to see, so that’s why you have to suffer through an hour of shitty Dutch house every time you get to the venue early. Learn from this!

AQUARIUS

Cheer the fuck up. You can’t waste your entire life upset about how some girl wouldn’t touch your dick, or how mean your dad was. Shitty things happen to everybody, but they’re a lot shittier if you don’t make an effort to get over them. Go see a shrink. Get some Zoloft. Get a gym membership. Buy a nice outfit and force yourself to go to a party and make conversation that doesn’t revolve around how mean your ex was. It’s tough, but spending your whole life a no-fun, emotional wreck means the terrorists win.

PISCES

Everybody does embarrassing stuff when they’re a teenager. Here’s a hint though: try not to let the entire world watch it. With the advent of Tumblr and YouTube, incredibly embarrassing shit done by 13 to 17-year-olds can now humiliate them for the rest of their lives. Just a few years ago, the only record of someone’s misspent teenage years would be a My Chemical Romance t-shirt found crumpled beneath a dresser when visiting their parents. Nowadays, idiocy lives forever on the Internet, and that “how to do scene hair” video you make now will be viewed with howling derision by the grad school admission people in ten years, right before they reject you.