Horoscopes – Issue #76

THIS MONTH: Ernold Sane

Ernold Sane is a happy person, he just has little to no patience for humans. He will break a nose to defend his friends, but will look the other way if you’re beating a child and possibly give you words of encouragement.

Capricorn: Your grandma secretly wears fake balls and a moustache. She wants to be a spokesperson for sodomites. Her vagina is so old it looks like a Muppet. After wasting her pension on cigarettes, donuts, and bingo it’s time to put her back in the force and have her carry her load. Get her out of the wheelchair and put her in front of a car wash with a sign that says “Dentures out $20 / Diaper off $15.”

Aquarius: This year you’ve  had a harder time making friends than Shia LaBeouf. This Christmas give everyone the gift of absence so we can truly rejoice in peace and joyous harmony. Holidays always remind you that you were adopted: the original re-gift. Buy yourself a onesie with a dumpflap, stay home and masturbate to Die Hard 2.

Pisces: The year of begging for intercourse is just around the corner. Dung beetles and maggots have filled fuller lives than you, and they eat shit to live. Thanks for posting your ‘artsy’  FOOD photos on Instagram. Now we know what your bowel movement looks like. How depressing and pathetic is your life that the highlight of your day is to take a photo of your nasty meatballs?

Aries: Over the Christmas month, Mercury is moving into your sign, but also your water source, hence the small cock, red eyes, bloated scrotum and narrow thoughts. You see yourself as quirky and eccentric, but no one else sees you at all, except maybe as a cruel hoax. A PHD in dissecting insect shit doesn’t make you smarter than a downy.

Taurus: Too bad the Taurus bull couldn’t stop you from posting pictures online of over priced food on square white plates. No one cares how much wallet reduction sauce you put in your body. Uranus is happily moving into your face region this month, with a side of “you can’t be a pretentious stuck up douche when you only make $9 an hour and work 20 hours a week.”

Gemini: You’re so pathetic that making fun of you is like kicking a baby on the ground. At least the baby would be getting some sort of physical contact, something you haven’t had since your repeated prostate exams. It’s okay to have a second opinion on your prostate but people are raising their eyebrows after the 6th and 7th check up.

Cancer: As the year winds down, your body has become so tired and haggard you make age look like a disease. You’re a poster model for shitty crack. Your eyebrows are more over-groomed than a contestant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. If you’re gonna pluck anything you need to pluck off, and take a couple of those sluts you call your “besties” with you.

Leo: Merry Christmas! You’re the real O.G: Over Groomed. You’re a reminder to us all that even a shower can’t clean the laziness off your body, but that doesn’t stop you from spending 45 minutes in there anyway.  It’s ironic that you spend so much time on personal grooming when nobody can stand to look at you. Your personality matches your face: desperate.

Virgo: From feeling useless you decided to jump on #TheOccupy parades bandwagon, and they have been the only thing to occupy your useless life. You couldn’t occupy a fucking toilet. You’re a human brain hemorrhage with a 50/50 chance of testing positive for incurable deadbeat. Your mother is crossing her fingers right now. Too bad she didn’t cross her legs when some random stranger (your father) was blowing up in her.

Libra: You’ve traded in your “spirit wolf” sweatshirt for an owl necklace but you’re still the same old carp, always lurking in the background picking up the scraps. You also picked up a nasty STD,  known as “your old friend”. Good luck with that one. Your life is filled with stormy romances you will have everyday, in the bathroom, by yourself. Even after death they will not mourn you.

Scorpio: Another year has passed and from the look of your face it seems like you spent most of it drinking homo milk and eating lard. It looks like your dreams of becoming a model have been covered in gravy, placed in a baguette, and stuffed down your throat. Keep drinking your way to happiness but stay away from mirrors until you get there.

Sagittarius: You’d think that after hundreds of unliked posts that you’d see the truth. You try to get by on your looks but something is lacking.  Zoolander had “Blue Steel”, but all you’ve got is  blue balls. You’re like eggnog; you rear your nasty nut milk once a year, make us all sick, and then pass your expiry date (unnoticed).

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Photo: Scott Loudoun