Select[ION]

Christmas movies are an institution. They’ve been teaching us the true meaning of Christmas for decades. One thing they’ve never been good at, however, is teaching us realistic limits of the human body. Of course this isn’t limited to movies about the holidays; clearly I know that Indiana Jones should have died in that fridge.* However, for some reason, Christmas movies are the most egregious offenders for portraying the human body as nigh invincible in late-December.

Now of course there are the Christmas movies that, by their basic premise, put their protagonists in life threatening situations: Die Hard 1 and 2, Gremlins and, obviously, any Christmas horror movies. However, what the following list compiles are the life-threatening situations in family movies that would kill mortal men at any other time of year.

[1] Jingle All The Way

My favorite 90s Sinbad Christmas vehicle features a number of life-threatening situations, not the least of which include a bomb exploding in a man’s face and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character jetpacking through two windows at a (roughly estimated) speed of too-fast-to-live. Now, surviving that sort of impact can be attributed to the fact that Arnold is no mere mortal, but the laws of physics dictate that even Conan himself would be reduced to a Tiny Tim-like cripple at best and a Jacob Marley-like ghost at worst. Merry Christmas, everyone!

[2] Elf

Now, I can forgive Elf for not showing an actual death on screen, but some flags should have been raised about this film with regard to the American diet. With diabetes rampaging its way across our fair continent, this movie had the audacity to show Will Ferrell slathering his spaghetti with maple syrup and M&Ms. This may be the worst offender of downplaying potentially lethal situations as harmless because, in all honesty, a meal like that should have come with a coupon for a free foot amputation.

[3] Christmas Vacation

It’s easy to focus on Chevy Chase’s long career of falling over and the sheer number of instances Clark Griswold hits the ground in this movie. It’s tough to really calculate whether or not any serious injuries would result from such repeated trauma, so instead let’s look at a scene towards the end of the movie. Uncle Lewis, while informing the rest of the Griswold clan that the “Christmas Star” they’ve all been admiring is actually sewer gas, lights up a cigar. The sewer gas explodes, firing a septuagenarian metres in the air and badly burning him. He survives, as best as I can tell. It must have been a Christmas miracle!

[4] Home Alone

This is the Casablanca of movies that should have featured multiple homicides that instead get played off as near-harmless. I don’t even know where to begin. There’s the blowtorch to the head that should have resulted in third degree burns. There’s an iron falling multiple stories onto Daniel Stern’s face. There’s also multiple falls that could have easily resulted in paralysis. But the scene I’d like to focus on is the iconic paint-can-to-the-face scene, which, let’s be honest, is hilarious. However, Kevin McCallister should have gone to juvie (or at least years of therapy) for committing double homicide after two robbers had their faces smashed in his home. Thank Christmas that they survive long enough for the sequel and a whole new round of paint cans to the face. None of these blows seem to cause so much as a move to a lower reading group. Keep the change, you filthy animal.

*Editor’s Note: Surviving a nuked fridge is possible if you’re Indiana Jones.

- Ian Urbanski, Illustration: Shannon Elliott