THIS MONTH: Ernold Sane

Ernold Sane is a happy person, he just has little to no patience for humans. He will break a nose to defend his friends, but will look the other way if you’re beating a child and possibly give you words of encouragement.

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THIS MONTH: Skullbeard and Dr. Ian Super

Traveling back in time, Skullbeard and Dr. Ian Super engaged in 3D chess around the primordial ooze that was to become Man.  Finding no solace in the game, they decided that they would instead bless the readers of ION with more stunningly accurate horoscopes. Through consultation with stars and scrolls they give you this gift.

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Maxwell Maxwell is a music fella and sometimes DJ who is working on a fancy new project which is so secret he can’t tell you about it.

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THIS MONTH: ERNOLD SANE

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THIS MONTH: DR. IAN SUPER + SKULL BEARD

Combining on this month’s horoscopes we have a long forged friendship between ION mainstay Dr. Ian Super and his super friend Skull Beard. Skull Beard is an expert at tonal magic and compliments Dr. Super’s mystical powers in order to forecast the future… WITH STUNNING ACCURACY!!! Rest your terrors for they have glimpsed your future… or was it your past?

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THIS MONTH: MAXWELL MAXWELL

Maxwell Maxwell makes silly, electronic beep-boop music and sometimes he DJs at shirts-off sparkle parties around Canada and the States. He also makes songs for his friend Peter Breeze to sing, some of which are played by other DJs at shirts-off sparkle parties around the world. He likes burritos, Ace of Base, and playing Minecraft with his boyfriend. You can check out his awesome website at maxwellmaxwell.com, or follow him on Twitter @maxwellmaxwell.

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Mystic. Pioneer. Icon. Known for his remarkably accurate predictions, this is Dr. Super’s second time doing the horoscopes for ION. Not limited to the occult, Dr. Super is known internationally as the creator of the dance craze “The Dizzy Step” and his wildly successful IM 6S series of motivational tapes and dance apparel. He can be found either with your third eye, or with the promise of Jameson shots.

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VIRGO
Get out there, Virgo. Think outside the box. Don’t be afraid to be seen, get noticed and turn a few heads this month. Wear Crocs with your suit. Ride a unicycle to work. Get two cockatoos, name them Merlin and Arthur, then wear them like shoulder pads all around town. Live your life out loud!
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LEO
Even when it’s your time of year, remember that even the cutest of polar bears can’t smile or wink away the melting ice caps. Nor can your excellent hair save you from terrible shoes. Avoiding areas that need attention will only lead to, well, less excellent hair overall.
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CANCER
According to Wikipedia, Cancers are “loving” and “imaginative.” You’re just neurotic and not really good at anything, though, which makes trying to live like you’re a character from one of the quirky, heartwarming films of director Michel Gondry pretty difficult. Good thing you have a trust fund. Consider a trip abroad or art school. Or better yet, art school abroad!
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ARIES
The moon is rising in the east (near the Starbucks). This is a good time for you to look at the past. Go to the attic and look at the dusty artifacts and skulls that you find there. You can bring a coffee from the Starbucks to drink while you look at the dust. Maybe try a new flavour syrup.
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CAPRICORN
You are feeling really dark and against the world. Dwell in this. Go into your room, turn off the lights and rave dance to the Mortal Kombat theme. You will feel alive. As sweat drips from your forehead, think of all the starving people in the world. It sure sucks to be them.
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Aquarius
No one is going to pay you money to “give their pets the finger!” Stop blaming the current poor economy for your inability to find a job. Times are tough, but off the top of my head I can think of one profession that has been booming… Job dismissal! It’s been one of North America’s fastest growing industries! My advice for you is to try a career in job dismissal. You’d get to sit behind a desk and fire troublemakers and smart alecks!
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Capricorn
It’s been a great year! You’ve successfully made yourself look amazing in your online photos and people are starting to forget that you’re a socially handicapped pole smoker with man boobs who’s incapable of receiving or giving a handjob. By uploading pictures of yourself wearing headphones, people really believe you’re a skilled DJ and are lining up to ask you questions like “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?”
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Capricorn
Your relentless, plodding ambition has always served you well in the workplace, but it won’t help against the forces of evil. Pretty soon you’ll be sacrificing babies and jumping out of high rise windows with everyone else. Preview the coming apocalypse by watching Argento’s The Mother of Tears.
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Aquarius
You are like a floating Esso gas station located on a lake. Boats use you to refill their tanks before heading back out for more non-stop water sports action. You’re charming. People without boats look at you from the shore and daydream about what it would be like to be onboard, but they can’t help thinking how awesome it would look if you were to explode.
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LEO
Leo, this month is looking up for you! After a long winter of getting really really fat from eating only tropical Skittles and drinking grape juice from concentrate, you will be forced to run for your life when the whole city chases you for accidentally knocking a child in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. You will lose five pounds. Forty more to go!
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