Aquarius
No one is going to pay you money to “give their pets the finger!” Stop blaming the current poor economy for your inability to find a job. Times are tough, but off the top of my head I can think of one profession that has been booming… Job dismissal! It’s been one of North America’s fastest growing industries! My advice for you is to try a career in job dismissal. You’d get to sit behind a desk and fire troublemakers and smart alecks!
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Capricorn
It’s been a great year! You’ve successfully made yourself look amazing in your online photos and people are starting to forget that you’re a socially handicapped pole smoker with man boobs who’s incapable of receiving or giving a handjob. By uploading pictures of yourself wearing headphones, people really believe you’re a skilled DJ and are lining up to ask you questions like “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?”
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Capricorn
Your relentless, plodding ambition has always served you well in the workplace, but it won’t help against the forces of evil. Pretty soon you’ll be sacrificing babies and jumping out of high rise windows with everyone else. Preview the coming apocalypse by watching Argento’s The Mother of Tears.
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Aquarius
You are like a floating Esso gas station located on a lake. Boats use you to refill their tanks before heading back out for more non-stop water sports action. You’re charming. People without boats look at you from the shore and daydream about what it would be like to be onboard, but they can’t help thinking how awesome it would look if you were to explode.
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LEO
Leo, this month is looking up for you! After a long winter of getting really really fat from eating only tropical Skittles and drinking grape juice from concentrate, you will be forced to run for your life when the whole city chases you for accidentally knocking a child in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. You will lose five pounds. Forty more to go!
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Aries
A chance hand-brushing incident with a stranger on a bus leads to an afternoon of surprises. You share a meal, accompanied by anecdotes about near-death experiences and hilarious critiques of fellow passers-by. The day will conclude with an act that you previously deemed reprehensible: your reaction to it will determine whether you are audited this year.
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Aries
Like the mysteries of the famous pyramids, you too have secret compartments you hide your favourite lamps in. Centuries from now, all the grade seven goths are going to wonder how you got your brain out of your nostril. Tell no one. Your secrets are all there is left.
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Pisces
Flattery is going to finally pay out big dividends. Free meals, free tickets to the hottest shows, even FREE SEX with numerous SEXual partners! However mid-month, Pisces, you may find yourself feeling a bit guilty about manipulating people for your own selfish purposes. When this happens, remember the words of the Great Edwardian Poet Laureate, Alfred Lord Tennyson, ‘Ass, gas or grass – Nobody rides for free’.
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Pisces
Everything is about to go batshit crazy, Pisces. Tomorrow morning, a section of your torso will be missing and gravity will have no effect on your body between 3:30 and 5pm. This week you will witness the seas part and there on the exposed ocean floor will be the original cast members of Saved By The Bell nude and on fire. A ghost will appear in a saucepan and convince you to join a pyramid scheme, and Louis Riel will arm wrestle Cap’n Crunch in your bathtub. Get a disposable camera.
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Libra
‘Need You Tonight’ INXS: ‘Tighten that belt and pass the lotion!’ That’s a reference to my favourite singer at the moment, Michael Hutchence. ‘Need You Tonight’ is your song this month. Think about every last word in it, then think about the tragedy of it all. Plus think about the joke I told for the Capricorn horoscopes. Seriously…
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Libra
Don’t Torture a Duckling (1972): Libra’s want everything perfect and comfortable. Well, a hang up like that will have you stabbing children before you know it, guaranteed. Italian gore maestro Lucio Fulci’s insanely titled, surprisingly emotional DTAD, is, for once, an Italian thriller without sexy corpses. Instead, a deranged smalltown priest starts offing young boys. Temperance is a nasty bastard, Libra. So are you. Up with abstinence!
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Virgo
Virgo’s have it all figured out. You are generally attractive but tend to smell kind of offensive as well. You are usually good dressers but they’re often out of shape. You totally get the opposite sex even though a disproportionate amount of you are homosexuals. You often have great advice and no one to give it to. There are no victories, only trade-offs.
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Leo
Unfortunately for you, your birth month coincides with the ignition of the 27-km-long Large Hadron Collider (LHC). We’re all familiar with particle accelerators and their quest to answer questions about dark matter, multiple dimensions , and why Madonna hasn’t been called back to the planet SuckWhore, but they also could destroy the Earth! Fear not, paranoia is just poorly wielded confidence. Take charge. Go to the LHC and jump in the beam. You could get amazing powers like in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, or maybe even like Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap you’ll be able to travel through time solving moderately trivial problems. Exciting! Send Me Money.
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Gemini
Ike and Tina Turner, Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful, Bob Dylan and Joan Baez, Emmylou Harris and Gram Parsons, not forgetting Rumours era Fleetwood Mac and the silky smooth guitar vocal pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates. What does this list say to you? That’s right, sexual promiscuity is the artist’s creative lifeblood. So this week, in order to get your creative juices flowing, go out and try finding your musical sex twin. Because when these couples weren’t banging out hits, they surely were banging something, get it?
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Taurus
Happy birthday Taurus. I know you’re getting on in years, but 60 is the new 50, and they say life begins at 50… especially the worst part. If you’re lucky, you might develop rich people’s problems: tennis elbow, lobster jaw, diarrhea of the wallet. But it’s far more likely you’ll develop osteoporosis, persistent moaning, and abusive children. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just follow these seven easy steps: eat right, exercise, don’t fall down the stairs, don’t slip in the tub, avoid home invasions, keep up with diaper trends, and try not to die in your sleep.
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Aries
Mercury rising this, moons of Saturn that; the only thing you need to know, he-man, is that Mars is pounding Venus and she can’t get enough. Your father has always expected big things from you in the balls department, ever since he found out that the curly V shaped symbol associated with your sign was stylized ram’s horns and not a vagina. This month, make him proud by masturbating onto a cinderblock or telling a semi-racist joke. Your new ethos: Not only is the female orgasm a myth, so is the clitoris. And for you Aries girls, a men’s large from Dickies should fit you like an XL.
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Aquarius
Try as you might fellow Aquarians, but nostalgia and confusion are difficult foes to evade. Use them to your advantage though. Don’t be afraid to only write about things that happened at your high school, or various movies that you have recently seen. Life, after all, imitates Art. Right? In addition, this month you will rent the Cage/Travolta action hit, Face/Off, and will be disappointed at how fake it is, even for a movie. Happy birthday? Another cement mixer, if you please—free of charge!
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Sagittarius
You know those times when you wake up in a panic and realize you didn’t finish something really important and instead spent your time perfecting your keg stands? You know that feeling when your stomach is tied in knots just imagining the consequences and just before you deliver a poorly constructed excuse, you realize you have finished said project without even realizing it? Today will be the exact opposite of that.
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Libra
Being a namby pamby even Steven has caused you no end of internal struggle, hasn’t it my level-headed beauty? October will see you tip the scales slightly in favour of your basest of instincts. Love will be found in prison. Money will be stashed under floorboards. Go to it, Libra!
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Virgo
I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world. You, all of you here and everywhere, gave me this award tonight. And I accept it from you and only you. I love all of you. Now please forgive me, good night.
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