BLACKBOARDS IN PORN

Some bored/asexual people in cyberspace decided to evaluate the mathematics on the ever-present blackboards we all ignore while watching the classic “professor” scenario throughout the history of pornography. Turns out that certain pornographers go the extra mile and work out high level calculus to bring authenticity to a scene. We can’t wait for the spin-off Is There Actually Sausage On That Pizza?

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AKAI ANALOG CUSTOM SHOP GUITAR PEDALS

We know that you like to use Boss pedals because even if you’re stuck in Vernon, BC on tour you’ll be able to replace them at any music store. Consider the new line of Akai Analaog Custom pedals, designed to deliver the sound quality of boutique guitar pedals. Analog Delay, Drive3Fuzz, Flanger, it’s all there, and it’s your chance to find a sound that isn’t easily heard on a Puddle Of Mudd release. You love your MT-2 Metal Zone, but nobody finds your ironic, nineties shredder image funny anymore.

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DENIM GALLERY CAFÉ

This unique concept café/retail location is the brainchild of Michel Menard. He uses his showroom as a retail location where clients can shop for brands such as Timex, Levis, Ray Ban, Converse, Landyachtz Longboards and Vancouver designed Herschel Bags, while drinking Lavazza Coffee and noshing on grilled cheese sandwiches. Food and fashion-what could be better? 906 Main Street, Vancouver.

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SURF BEAT: ROCK ‘N’ ROLL’S FORGOTTEN REVOLUTION BY KENT CROWLEY

They say if a man lives long enough he’ll acquire two things: prostate cancer and a taste for country and western music. Imagine how much cooler it would be if instead it were a discerning taste for cheese and surf music respectively? In Surf Beat a new book by Kent Crowley, you’ll be quickly on your way to getting pitted with Murphy The Surfie and Gidget. Be warned though, Fender Jaguars may look cool but they’re reliability will drive you up the wall.

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BALCONIES
You want a power trio? You got it. The Balconies are a tighter three-way than the Miami Heat, which may have something to do with the fact that frontwoman, Jacquie, is siblings with one member, and the girlfriend of the other. The Balconies have recently finished their recording session with Jon Drew (Tokyo Police Club, Fucked Up) for their full length, but in the meantime they’ve tossed us a bone in the form of the Kill Count 7”. Classic telecaster sounds, fantastic backup singing, and a flare for reverb, Kill Count will get The Balconies’ fans through the summer without having to throw themselves off their… verandas.

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GIRLS MAKING GUN SOUNDS
For any of you guys who grew up with a brother, you know that brothers do terrible shit to each other; whether it’s getting kicked down the stairs, or having your pants pulled down at your birthday party. We also know that we did worse things to our sisters. We ignored them. Girls Making Gun Sounds reminds us that we were correct to exclude the weaker siblings. Why would I make a blanket fort with somebody who thinks an HK MP7 sounds like a kitten sneezing up a tribble?

[girlsmakinggunsounds.com]

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José Parlá
If you are in Toronto, check out José Parlá’s two massive murals commissioned by Concord CityPlace. Inspired by anonymous art found in the streets, Parlá layers plaster, paint, posters and calligraphy elements to create his pieces. The larger commissioned piece, The Names That Live And Sometimes Fade While Time Flies is a homage to the hundreds of artist that Parlá has met over the years. The smaller painting titled “The Bridge” shows an arch of writing that resembles a bridge. Parlá is also the 8th artist to be featured on Incase products as part of a curated project in collaboration with Arkitip. [www.goincase.com]

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Our friend Peter Ricq from Humans is helping organize an art event at Ayden Gallery this Friday. Le Movember features a terrific list of artists who have all created mustache-inspired works. The proceeds from this show, as you might have guessed, will go to Prostate Cancer Canada, which is an amazing organization.

Opening is on Friday November 19 at Ayden Gallery from 7-11. Show runs until December 12. See ya there!

Facebook Event Page
[www.prostatecancer.ca]

Check out a few of the pieces in Le Movember after the jump.
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For this issue we got the oddest and awesomest request from an artist ever. Prior to our photoshoot with Die Antwoord, we received an email asking, “Can you bring XL boxers of Canadian flag and maple leaves for Ninja to wear for this?” We were, of course, ecstatic and immediately dropped everything we were doing to go on a quest for him. Said Ninja of the boxers we gave him, “They’re nice. I love new boxers and underpants and socks. We never had money so for a few birthdays Yo-landi always bought me underpants and socks and I always liked them. I have nice affection with new underpants.” If you’d like to look like Ninja does on our cover, his maple leaf boxers can be purchased for $15 at almost any tourist store in Gastown, Vancouver.

If the rhythm sounds nice, you gotta do it twice. So we’re doing it again. On Saturday August 21th, you are cordially invited to spend an afternoon with us on one of the most seldom available rooftops in the city. Be prepared for a day filled with familiar faces, tempting libations, BBQ and general revelry. From 2-7pm the rooftop of Scotiabank Dance Centre will be home to an array of summer favorites from past and present.

Selectors: AJK, Zeeaa + U-Tern and All Hands In
When: Saturday August 21st. 5-10pm.
Where: Scotiabank Dance Centre. 677 Davie Street. Google Map
How much:$7
RSVP on the Facebook Event Page

Generously sponsored by the good people at:
Bear Flag Wine www.bearflagwine.com
Steam Whistle www.steamwhistle.ca

Hey you! Watch that trailer above. Doesn’t that movie look great? Do you live in Vancouver and would you like to see it before all your friends?

Head over to our Facebook Fan Page or our Twitter account. We have some passes we’re going to give away at some point in the next few days.

ION contributor David Bertrand recently moved to Montreal to open up a movie theatre with Canada’s cult cinema queen, Kier-La Janisse. Blue Sunshine is billed as a “psychotronic screening room” and the plan is to have screenings three nights a week. Thursdays will feature rare music films, Fridays will feature bizarro trash and cult films and Saturdays will be dedicated to avant-garde and art cinema. The space will also be home to the Miskatonic Institute of Horror Studies. One of the first things they have lined up is master class in adapting H.P. Lovecraft for the screen taught by Stuart Gordon (The Re-Animator). Amazing! Oh, and we highly recommend you see the movie Blue Sunshine. It’s about people who do bad LSD, lose their hair and go on murderous rampages.

Blue Sunshine 3660 Boulevard St-Laurent, 3rd Floor
Blue Sunshine on Facebook
[www.blue-sunshine.com]
[www.miskatonicinstitute.com]

A O C is throwing you a summer party! Wednesday June 23rd you’ll be treated to Vancouver’s three best and diverse acts. ION staff writer Stefana Fratila performs her Coco Rosie-esque songs and at her best will stretch your heartstrings like Link Wray stretches the strings of his guitar. She’s also always good for a tickling laugh in between songs. Did you miss Thrush Hermit in the Nineties because you were too young or too into that song by Train? The (super adorable and young) Hot Moonbeams will revisit Joel Plaskett and his crew while peppering you with the lyrical panache of Steve Malkmus. Capping off the evening has ION favourites Humans who have been killing it at both high end venues and underground parties for the last year. Of course there are your A O C DJs Kellen Powell and Trevor Risk bringing you every hit song you loved from the previous outings. Join the Facebook event group and get free song downloads of new and old indie hits everyday for a week leading up to the party. Let’s all clink glasses and duck walk all night long!

When: Wednesday June 23rd
Where: The Biltmore, Vancouver
Cover: $8

Acts:
www.myspace.com/dashumans
www.myspace.com/stefanafratila
www.myspace.com/thehotmoonbeams

On our last cover we featured Diplo, who aside from being a cool guy and a talented musician, is part of the whole M.I.A/New York Times shitstorm. The article featured M.I.A eating french fries cooked in truffle oil while the writer paints her as some sort of Chardonnay-sipping fake revolutionary. Well, the whole thing has caused quite an online kerfuffle and Diplo was quoted a few times in the piece and he said some nasty things. Well it’s time to take this guy down a notch or two. During our interview and photoshoot with him we can confirm that Diplo drank fine $12/bottle wine with a straw. He also feasted on an ornate spread of Lebanese food from Nuba that consisted of falafel, tabouleh, chicken tawook and some hummus on pita bread. After the interview, Diplo was driven by our publisher in her fancy Ford family van to another restaurant to meet friends for a second, undoubtedly extravagant, meal. Diplo’s response to the controversy which we are tentatively calling Nubagate, was “Errrr waking up on a flight witha (sic) giant boner is not as cool as it sounds.”

Editors’ Note: We made most of the interview up and stuff he did say wasn’t presented in order. We didn’t think readers or Diplo would care. Sorry for not explicitly stating that in the piece. Also, the airplane boner quote was just some random tweet we pulled from Diplo’s Twitter account.
[@diplo]

From the collaborative efforts of Grace-Gallery, On Main and photographer Angela Fama comes MIRRORFACE. At this exhibit, there lies 12 seemingly simple photographs. However, like most artwork, once the story is read, then the interest and appreciation will come. Fama captures two images of the subject—one a regular studio image and one a completely natural mirror image. From Angela’s artist statement, “MIRRORFACE is the facial expression that messages to us that we are ready to take on the world.” This show will commence on Saturday May 1 at 7pm.
—Jenkin Au

[www.grace-gallery.com]
[www.paulwongprojects.com]
[www.angelafama.com]

01 is a Vancouver based bi-monthly, online magazine and daily blog. Its contributions come from creative-minded Vancouverites, as well as a handful of individuals outside the city. 01 is launching its first art exhibition this month at the 107 Shaw Gallery in Toronto. The exhibition runs from March 11-April 3 and will showcase international artists from Germany and New York along with a great crop of Canadian talent. Some of the Vancouver roster includes photographers Jennilee Marigomen and Jeff Otto O’Brien, as well as LES Gallery artist Dan Siney. Holding down the home front for Toronto are local artists Maryanne Casasanta and Niall Mc Clelland. No matter who you bring to this exhibition, you’re guaranteed to be in good company. —Alysa Lechner

[www.1zero7.com]
[www.zero1magazine.com]

In the interests of full disclosure, the reader of this review should know that it was written by the author while drunk, in a bar, from his BlackBerry, while drowning his sorrows over Canada’s loss to the US in hockey on the 21st of February. The reader of this review should also know that BioShock 2 is AWESOME. This game straight up rules. I had never played a BioShock game before ION asked me to review this one. The intro hooked me and there’s a lot of mystery that helps to keep you invested in the gameplay during the difficult parts. I don’t want to ruin it for the casual gamer that might not know, but I will say it involves an underwater city, people modifying themselves with seaslug genes to gain telekinetic powers and little girls with glowing eyes that carry around syringes bigger than they are. The controls are easy and intuitive and the game has a great system for calibrating the brightness so you can actually see what you’re supposed to in darker maps. I’m definitely a casual gamer and the difficulty of the game was at times frustrating for me. However, the art direction, story and originality never failed to hold my interest and keep me invested.

Words: Kellen Powell

Game trailer after the jump
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