Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Gemini

When you walk by you favourite corner in the city, I want you to raise you hand like Bender. Sometime you’re Ally Sheedy, and sometimes you’re Anthony Michael Hall with crooked sunglasses. Go for breakfast—don’t order the club.

Cancer

Pull over and park the car. Take a breath and change the station. It’s clear you’re in the driver seat (I’ve been using a driving metaphor), but have you grasped the responsibility of your role?  It’s only important to the people who buy a ticket. Everyone else? Oblivious to you.

Leo

This bud is for you. So is that one. And that one over there. And my bud, Zak? That I can’t guarantee. Let’s Make a Deal and find you some buds that would dress up in ratty Halloween costumes in July, and readily listen to your problems. You win.

Libra

If someone tells you it’s just like riding a bike, I suggest thinking back to the last time you were actually on one. Steady hands and confidence can take you from the road to your home. Just make sure the seat fits your butt, otherwise it’s gonna be a rough morning.

Capricorn 

Every day, the sun lingers a fraction longer than the day before. You’ve been witness and have felt the call of the wild. Stick out your hand when you stroll through the tall grass and hum a tune from The Wiz, because you’re a long way from home, Dorothy.

Sagittarius

Only a sociopath would stand outside a window with a boombox and think it’s romantic. Only you would have the courage to yell at them from a safe distance. You’re not a compass but you are a guide. A dotted line on our parchment-smelling lives.

Scorpio

You deserve all the happiness you can handle. That upper limit should not exist but if you need to impose one, your friends will make sure there’s never more than a quarter tank missing. Be patient with them because they deserve you.

Taurus

Every time you open your eyes it’s an opportunity to view the world differently. Every time you listen there’s a new sound to uncover. Don’t deny yourself these simple pleasures. Clean the shit out of your ears and seek out change. Don’t make me come over there.

Aquarius

Everyone is quick to describe how you fit the fluid nature of your sign but no one talks about the vase that carries you. It’s worn out. It’s cracked. Maybe a touch of our fashion. But it’s durable. Reliable. And why would you pay to replace something that ain’t broke?

Pisces

When you feel the need to exert control, you need to take a step back and stare at the sun. Let it scorch your face and blind you, and remind you that no matter what you do on Earth, there’s a massive ball of fire that keeps you alive and will some day burn your home to the ground.

Aries

Leave a freeze in the sun. Watch it melt and sweat, and distort its body. All the colours bleed into a purplish mess and the novelty of the confectionary is lost. Take this casualty, secret it away, freeze it again. Leave it be. Wait until its shape returns. Take a bite.

Virgo

Do something nice for a friend. Do something nice for yourself. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Every day is important and also insignificant. You gotta do you without being extra. Don’t bother asking Libra for help with balance, no one’s figured it out. Lie like the rest of them.

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