Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Aquarius

Have I made a dawning of the age joke recently? Honestly, Aqua child, that’s how done the cosmos are with you right now. I can’t even divine what you did, tbh. Do you think this is why your relationship with your parents is so strained?

Aries

OK, we’re all excited that Gilmore Girls is coming back but just remember that time you met your ex on Tinder and it was love at first text, and you could imagine all of the amazing moments you’d share, and how you’d grow together as a couple, encouraging each other to follow your dreams at every turn, totally swept up in the bliss of having someone to call your partner? Just saying — you’ll be watching this alone.

Sagittarius

The days are still short and so is everyone’s patience with you. The eggshells you’ve laid down for everyone has sucked all the fun out of hanging with you like a depressing Dyson. Sure, the world is going to hell in front of our eyes, but you can’t dwell on it. Have a teaspoon of cement and harden up.

Virgo

Every one grows up at some point. Like when you realized working at Urban Outfitters was not covet worthy, or that drinking everything out of mason jars was more tedious than you wanted to admit. You’re very close to that turning point and I know you’ll come through — but buy some cute elastic waist pants for the initial fallout.

Scorpio

You should stay away from hot drinks in the upcoming month. I know they’re comforting but they also make you fart. It’s totally natural but you don’t need to deal with that on top of the hair loss.

Pisces

My ex-husband Jeffrey’s mother was a Pisces. A hard looking woman with a sense of humour that’d make a bag of dead cats funny. As long as you don’t get a perm and didn’t listen to Joe Diffie’s Christmas album this past holiday season, you should be all right.

Capricorn

Let’s have a quick check-in: You’re thirty years old and recently purchased Rock Band. You mostly play the karaoke parts whether you’re home alone or with a handful of friends. There’s a reason karaoke bars exist, my little Social Anxiety Idol.

Gemini

Y’know, I keep trying to share a little cosmic knowledge with you in the hopes that you won’t die alone, buried under a stack of Canadian Living magazines with only the bed bugs to mourn you — but it doesn’t take, does it? Stockpile some bourbon. Winter isn’t over yet.

Leo

When people ask you if you have any hobbies, do you tell them it’s mostly crawling through Craigslist missed connections hoping to find your name? Or do you tell them you’re into CrossFit?

Taurus

Stars are aligning for you, hun! I’m seeing unbridled joy and passion for the next few weeks, followed by an unnatural sense of calm. But that tends to happen when I have a romantic liaison with a reader. To quote 2unlimited, “Y’all ready for this?”

Cancer

No one is going to judge if you sex a coworker in a communal bathroom at the local bar after a particularly stressful week. But Jenna at reception does talk shit about you for buying Marshmallow Dream Bars at Starbucks every day. This is how we maintain balance in the universe.

Libra

In addition to reading the stars, I also speak to the dead. Your great-grandmother wanted me to remind you to always bring moist towelettes with you — whether it’s to wipe your hands before a meal, or take a whore’s bath in the alley behind your fuck buddy’s building. She also says to keep a quarter for the pay phone, so take her advice with a grain of salt.