Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Aries

Ever wonder how actual sails stay intact? I mean, they’re just pieces of fabric fastened to a mast by string. And yet they’re just there, getting weathered and enduring. It’s pretty cool. Admirable, even. But what’s even more cool is a monorail system. If you don’t believe, watch that episode of The Simpsons.

Taurus

If you’ve been feeling like there’s a spectre of something—anything—hanging above you now is the time to cast that guest out. Even if it’s an unsettling sense of calm. Why are you calm? Why should you get to relax? It’s tax time. Remember when Ned Flanders filed his immediately while Homer waited until the last minute and then threw that weird football-shaped envelope into the post. That’s what we’re looking at, bud.

Gemini

Are you prepared for this summer? It’s going to be a tumultuous one. Lots of processing. Lots of feelings. The time to grow up is looming but before you completely go off the deep end, I want you to enjoy the impending season change. If you isolate yourself, you’ll be like Bart, watching everyone swim in your pool. Be like Martin and strive to be the Queen of Summer.

Cancer

It’s been a strange year already and we’re only starting month four, but I know you’ve got this in the bag. All the hard work is gonna pay off and soon you’ll be feeling real good and settled with yourself. You might even take up a new hobby or interest, like hockey. And you deserve it! If I had a trophy for the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, you’d get it no question.

Leo

OK, some new responsibilities have come into your life but you’re oddly confident because you asked for them. Dive into those cool waters but make sure to keep a string tied around your ankle that leads back to shore. Never forget that we’re ultimately in this life for ourselves. I mean, even Marge took a vacation to Rancho Relaxo.

Virgo

I know that you know that you can’t judge a book by its cover—but do you, really? Like when Bart started working at the burlesque house with Belle. The kids thought it was a witch’s mansion. And then Marge found out and called it a house of ill-repute. I mean, really? Burlesque? I guess what I’m saying is even if you’ve been inside, you still don’t know the full story so let’s just go with the flow.

Libra

Have you been living in your head? Or focusing (re: dwelling) on something that’s beyond your control? Stop, take a breath, and look around at your surroundings. Whether it’s a big city or small town, there’s hundreds of stories playing out right now as you read this. Remember the episode that looked into other characters in Springfield? Maybe give them a chance to shine this month.

Scorpio

You have plans for world domination. I can smell it off you. But you can’t go it alone. You know that but you need a reminder. It’s not just a companion, either—you need a full team of subordinates. Like your namesake, Hank Scorpio, gather people of all levels of skill and intelligence. They’ll all teach you something. But make sure their wives have something to do because Marge can’t handle too much red wine.

Sagittarius

Generally, you’re a homestead-type. Finding something cozy and comforting, and settling into it. Making it your own. But I know that you’re also a chameleon. A person who can wear many hats and be many things to many people. If that sounds needlessly wordy that’s because it is—and you see that. You remind me of Marge’s alterations to her Chanel suit. One suit, four looks. Incredible.

Capricorn

The pervasive mood of “You Do You” is a general theme for this year. Does it require a complete sea change from the person you already are? No, not really. I mean, Lisa went to a seaside town on vacation and crafted a new persona based on a tie-dye t-shirt. Inside, still the same Lisa. And Bart’s usual antics made him look like a real Tryra Banks. Branch out but remember you are who you are.

Aquarius

Of course we want things to work the way we imagine them while our thoughts drift in the shower. Everyone one of us is a diplomat in our own mind. What you need to recognize is that you’re not a mind reader and you can’t predict other people’s behaviour. You think Lisa wanted to stay at the military school? Hell no. But she did because she persisted and played the game that was in front of her the whole time.

Pisces

If your journals and dream diaries, and what have you, haven’t been working then it’s time to go to the next level. Take yourself out of yourself. Go on a journey of introspection away from your usual environment. And don’t call it a vision quest. I know that’s what they called it when Homer at the ghost pepper and Johnny Cash was his coyote spirit guide, but that’s not for you unless you understand the cultural significance of those rituals. Just, I dunno, get a little stoned at the lake and figure yourself out.