Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Gemini

This is your season, baby. Your time to shine. Summer lovin’ is upon you. No, seriously. It’s all over your shoulder. I don’t even want to know how or why but just find a damp cloth and fix yourself. I’ve lived 58 years on this earth and I’ve never seen anything so dire.

Leo

“Just one more” is your mantra and it works most of the time. But you need an upgrade. An update. An up-do, actually. You’d look fantastic with church lady hair. Just teased right up to Jesus with maybe a little lace veil, or even a floral accent. 

Virgo

Ah yes, the star of the wheat and harvest. You’re so earthy and grounded. But you’re best quality is that you can walk in on someone taking a fully-up-the-ass narcissistic selfie and quietly slip away without judging them, or bringing it up later. That shows immense self-control and if you can extend that to your weakness around chips, you’ll be sitting pretty. Well, sitting at least.

Taurus

The sooner you accept that all the dreams you recorded in your adorable (but childish) 12-year old journal aren’t within reach at this stage of your life, the earlier you’ll be able to enjoy this summer. But don’t be hopelessly crushed because there are alternatives! You’ll never headline the Hollywood Bowl but you could swing into a karaoke bar. Your best bet are the ones that have private rooms rather than stages. And loosen up with a few mojitos. Happy summer!

Libra

Did you know ABBA released their last album in 1981? It was called The Visitors and explored Cold War themes with deep, heavy synths inspired by Benny and Frida’s separation. It was lauded as a well-crafted departure from their lighter efforts but wasn’t as popular as their previous efforts. The lesson here is that you’ve basically peaked and shouldn’t really try anymore. God bless, Agnetha.

Aquarius

Occasionally, I read other horoscopes to see what the rest of the gals from the steno pool are saying and I see a lot of financial advice. Like, a lot. What’s that about? Who’d take financial advice from a horoscope? Constellations ain’t got no money! Hell, neither do astrologists! That’d be like walking into a hospital’s x-ray lab for a singing lesson. It just doesn’t fit! They’d tell you you’d be barking up the wrong tree and make no bones about it.

Scorpio

In every smalltown bar there’s a guy who’s a bit younger than the rest of the regulars that post up at the bar every Wednesday and Thursday. On closer inspection, you can see that he’s actually a lot younger. Your age, in fact. And this is the hand that life dealt him. Hanging out with men at least four decades older talking about things that happened before this guy was born. Make a note of his face because that's who you’re going home with after getting blind drunk trying to forget you’re also hanging out in this bar on a Wednesday night.

Aries

You ever get a splinter stuck underneath your nail but it’s so tiny you can’t find it? That’s how some friends describe spending one-on-one time with you. I mean, honey, you’re fine in a group when there are people to play off and jokes to crack but when it’s just you face to face with only one other being, they’re imagining grating their ears into a triple Caesar just to deal with you. Don’t be so full of yourself, my lil’ matryoshka doll.

Pisces

You’re the Berlin Wall of your friend group. Divisive, controversial, prone to really awful tagging and, to be frank, crumbling at the seams. Take some advice from The Gipper and tear down that wall. Find your Hasselhoff to dance you to dust. And if you don’t get any of these references for the love of Jesus, read a book.

Capricorn

I see you. Clutching the copies of Dwell and Kinfolk you bought a few months ago like they’re a tasteful life preserver in a soothing eggshell tone. Take your nose out of those rags and take a long hard look at your surroundings. You’ve been in my guest room for four months and I didn’t mind at first because you showed Auntie how to use the slow cooker but I’ve got the basics now and I want my room back. That’s where I put the litter box and it’s ruining the beachy atmosphere in my main bathroom.

Sagittarius

I think it’s super cute you went to the garden centre last month to get your place ready for spring. I mean, this is the year, right!? Potted plants. Lush greens. A little colour and life for your home. Anything you can pour your sexual frustration into has got to be a good thing at this point. And later this summer when your plants are infested with bees, you can enjoy the great outdoors from best vantage point: inside.

Cancer

What’d you think about that roundabout x-ray joke in the Aquarius ‘scope? I mean, it’s bordering on Dad territory, not Tipsy Aunt, but it wasn’t awful, right? At the very least you could appreciate the elaborate set up. It’s kind of like a Dame Edna joke — you laugh because by the end of it the actual punchline was the poor construction. It needs some work, I guess. Oh, you’re also going to get some bad news this month.