Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Scorpio

Well, it’s July. The seventh month of the year. Only five more to go until 2017. And you’re gonna sit there looking like you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Like you haven’t made one misstep since January 1, 2015. How can you live with yourself? Who the hell doesn’t call their grandmother since New Year’s Day? What are you waiting for? Laura Secord would’ve gotten the message there in mere days.

Libra

Everyone knows Canada comes from the Saint-Lawrence Iroquoian word kanata, which means “settlement”, “village” or “land”. Duh. But did you know in 1881 the government was going to officially change the country’s name to Marineland? Luckily someone took a hot minute to look at the bigger picture, which is what you should be doing this month. Although, I’ve heard everyone loves Marineland.

Capricorn

Canada hosted two World’s Fairs with Expos ’67 and ’86, the latter being the last World’s Fair held in North America. They gifted us iconic landmarks like Notre-Dame Island in Montreal and the McBarge in Vancouver. Do you remember? If you sincerely answered yes to at least one Expo, that means you’re old and woefully out of date so stop trying to “get into” Snapchat.

Sagittarius

You have an annoying compulsion for constantly scheduling plans on summer days that are so hot I’d rather sit on a throne of broken glass at a Nickleback concert than leave the vicinity of my fan. These days are meant to be chill. It’s the dog days of summer, not the “Hey, I’m a shithead so let’s go for a 3-hour hike” days of summer. Go with the flow and don’t be the human equivalent of a cloud of mosquitos in Muskoka.

Virgo

They say you can tell where a Canadian is from depending on if they call it a bungalow, cottage or cabin. I say you could just grow up and ask them instead of playing some ridiculous game of linguistic Clue. Have we learned nothing from Mr. Dressup?

Gemini

Due to the fact that you have two faces, this month brings extra challenges. Mostly, figuring out how to cancel outdoorsy plans with your friends and concealing your true plans of staying indoors with the shades drawn just-so (giving you that cinematic 80s atmosphere) as you drink bottom shelf bourbon and watch the entire series of The Golden Girls. Can you call me when you start season 3?

Leo

Let’s look at some of Canada’s notable citizens: Anne Murray. Lester B. Pearson. Emily Carr. The dog from The Littlest Hobo. Three out of four are dead and Anne’s on her way out (God bless), so you’ve got lots of time to accomplish something worthwhile and outshine these folks. Or just keep doing what you’re doing. Whatever. It’s July, just have a mojito.

Taurus

One summer, my ex-husband Jeffrey suggested we take a road trip to witness first-hand the splendour of the Canadian Rockies. I was thrilled because he never wanted to spend time together. Turns out, he’d actually knocked over a few VLTs at the tavern and we were actually on the run. I guess what I’m saying is don’t hook up with up my ex-husband unless you want to experience being chased by Mounties on horseback.

Aries

Surprisingly, this isn’t gonna be your month, Aries. Oh sure, you’ve had some luck come your way — lead a semi-charmed kind of life, if you will. But you always want more and that’s going bottle of Russian Prince, stuck in an endless loop of nostalgia and stale references that need a fresh group of ears every four months. I’ve seen it happen with Degrassi and it’ll happen to you.

Aquarius

There’s no shame in owing your entire knowledge of Canadian history to Heritage Minutes. They got you through high school and were key to your first drinking game. The Heritage Minutes are one of the finest gifts the government has given our country. But don’t sit there and tell me your favourite is the one about that nerd, Joseph-Armand Bombardier. Everyone knows the best Heritage Minute is the one about peach baskets and basketball.

Pisces 

Hey, buddy. You doing okay? Pisces are sensitive folk so with everything slowly becoming a never-ending dumpster fire, I wanted to check in. All I can say is while the world keeps turning and history unfolds before our eyes, and it feels like you’re less and less in control of your destiny, things will always work out of the best. That’s why Ron McLean is back as the host of Hockey Night in Canada.

Cancer

We’re wading deeper into Trudeaumania Part Deux, so this is the perfect time for you to take a step back and regain some clarity. Look at things more objectively and question popular opinion. Ask yourself who’s really been there for Canada when the chips were down? Who can we always count on to simultaneously make us laugh and make the hard decisions? That’s right — it’s Celine Dion, our true north, strong and free saviour. Thank you.

Roshe Run Kaishi

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