Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Gemini

I don't know what you did but every time I'm online, someone's complaining about a Gemini. Don't waste the press, hun. Get into it like a cold glass of rosé. Put that Gemini sticker on every one of your snaps and send it your friends and put it in your story.

Libra

It's sad that summer's already winding down but what's worse is you're being such a tender heart about it. Yeah, we all wanna stay up until the sun rises but nothing lasts forever and you're starting to look real tired.

Cancer

Look, I know you need me to tell you what’s going to happen this month but I’ve gotta get something about my ex-husband Jeffrey off my chest: He’s trash. Not only did he use the kids to collect those damn pokemon for him on their “play date” last week, he also made them wait inside a bank for three hours to charge his phone in the lobby. But you’d never do something like that, right?

Aquarius

Oh, my little water-bearing angel, you shouldn’t leave your home this month. Maybe for work, I guess, but it’s 2016, you should be able to work from home. Also, don’t dance to that Work From Home song anymore. It had its time. Frankly, everything you do in August is a bit of a dice roll so I say you hunker down with a book or three and pack on some early winter coat.

Virgo

I want to say you’re a sort of “shoot first, ask questions later,” kind of person but the fact is you’re just a total mess. It’s like watching a guy try to prove himself to college friends by eating some disgusting pepper for a measly $20. You know what you’ll be spending that $20 on? Toilet paper. At least someone who’s got an adventurous spirit knows their limit. “Jump off this bridge? No, that’s dumb. Get into this taxi with some total strangers for a rooftop party that may or may not be a well-dressed break and enter? Sure, why not?” That’s how you should live.

Sagittarius

Get ready for some changes, darling, but don’t stress because they’re mostly good ones. You should look at every setback as an opportunity to grow. Are you going to lose your phone? Probably, but that means you can finally upgrade. Will you get into a fight with your closest friends? Sure, but they’re holding you back anyway. Will you spend more time watching low quality videos on PornHub than you do actively searching for a real-life date? That’ll probably stay the same but if it does change, just roll with it!

Leo

Coconut oil! Remember when everyone was into pulling that stuff like it was the goddamn fountain of youth? I guess it could work but it was honestly just sucking coconut oil between your teeth for a few minutes every morning and the few times I got into, I’d just end up being late for work and feeling sick all day. You’re a bit of a trend whore so I guess what I’m saying is — just, just stop.

Aries

You’re still hungover but you don’t want to admit it. That’s fine, I’m in the same boat. We all are. Well, most of us. Don’t listen to those people who’re like, “How do you do it?” You know why? They’re trying to distract you. I say you might as well keep going because what’ve you go to lose, really? Plus, the cumulative headaches from actually sobering up might make our heads explode like in one of those awful B-movies you insist on watching every night.

Pisces

Your life is like a bag of recyclables that you’ve hidden in your closet for several weeks. On the outside, it looks relatively harmless and kind of fun. But inside, there’s a sweet, pungent smell that’s been creating a weird layer of sweat on all the bottles even though the closet is dry. I mean, all of us are terrible, but you’ve got to make at least 30 minutes a day for some kind of health and fitness routine. Even if it’s just walking that bag of recyclables out to the bin. Plus, the fruit fly situation is severe.

Taurus

Oh, I hope you’re ready to work, darling, because all those brilliant ideas you brainstormed on the beach this summer? You’ve got to complete at least one of them. No one’s watching per se, but do you really wanna be the asshole who talked about starting a podcast that talks about the lingering effect of the disco era on hip-hop culture (which sounds like a very short podcast, by the way) and doesn’t follow through? We listened to you ramble, now it’s time to deliver.

Capricorn

Guess what? Everything’s gonna be just fine for you. In fact, nothing of exceptional note will happen to you this month — isn’t that fun? You just get to keep floating along this lazy river of life waiting for circumstance to bless you with excitement but since that probably won’t happen, you can settle nicely into a monotonous routine and not challenge yourself in any particular way to grow or adapt. Sounds pretty unremarkable!

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