Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Virgo

Well, it’s that time of year: Back to School Season. You’d think I’d look forward to it every year but, honestly, it rips my heart out. I know my boys are in college now, but it still hurts to see them leave home even for a semester. What can I say, I’m a mom. Oh, but don’t call your parents, Virgo. Unlike me, they look forward to you being away from home. Take the hint.

Libra

It’s not that I’m one of those Smother Mothers. My boys have always been independent. Like, my George — he’s the artistic one but loves football. I always told him from a young age it didn’t matter who he brought home, as long as he was happy and they treated him nice. You should use my George’s lens when looking for a partner, actually. The losers you’ve got notched on your belt aren’t doing your self-esteem any favours.

Scorpio

I suppose having the house to myself will be nice in the evenings. George and Allan — that’s my oldest — they’re good boys but they’re pigs. Just so untidy and smelly. But they’re good to their mother so roll those eyes back to the front of your head! Oh, that reminds me, with the harvest moon playing against your constellation this month, you’re gonna be extra bitchy so recognize that early, okay? People already think you’re insufferable... why not prove them wrong!

Sagittarius

Do you know who this Frank Ocean is? George is a big fan but it just sounds like a little boy crying to the noises my dehumidifier makes during the night. Or is it my humidifier? Anyway, every time I turn on my iTunes, that starts playing and it’s okay but sometimes a lady just wants to listen to Foreigner while she enjoys a glass of sauv blanc watching Chelsea, y’know? Always make time for yourself, Sag. Even if it feels like you’re cheating.

Capricorn

I suppose I’m just used to having men in the house. Even when their father (my ex-husband) Jeffrey lived with us for a hot minute, it was good to have some masculine energy around the house. That way, I could point out what’s wrong with machismo and make sure my boys didn’t turn out to be perpetually late, self-involved, cheapskate monsters. But I wish Jeffrey and Vanessa all the luck they think they deserve. Holding grudges isn’t good for the soul, Capricorn. Put it in a bubble and blow it away.

Aquarius

I know I give Jeffrey a hard time but I’ll always owe him for giving me my two boys. It’s just too bad he owes me for barber school, then mechanic school, that stint as a florist, and let’s not forget when he was going to be the next Bill Gates and learn how to code. I said, “Jeffrey, find a steady job that’s within your grasp.” I don’t know much about coding but I know what my ex-husband is capable of and it has nothing to do with computers. You gotta keep a grip on reality, Aquarius, especially when you’re a wishy-washy water sign.

Pisces

Can you imagine? My Jeffrey as a computer scientist? Don’t make me laugh! Seriously, don't — I’ve had this lingering cough ever since the boys brought home a dog after their last stay with their father. If the dog’s anything like my ex, it’ll have no pedigree, manners or credit. But I definitely picked up something from it. I hope it’s not TB. I'm going to my doctor’s to get it checked and I suggest you keep an eye on your health too, Pisces. I’ve heard what you get up to on the weekend.

Aries

Speaking of weekends, when’s the last time you really enjoyed one? I mean really enjoyed one?  Sometimes you have to cut loose and cut shapes, y’know what I mean? Look, it’s great to stay fit and look good with your shirt off but at the expense of what? Your youth? I say this weekend, skip the usual hike and brunch, and just sleep in. Then, later in the evening, pick up a few Hey Y’alls and just go to town on them. Seriously. Drink responsibly until the sun goes down then live your life. You’re young, enjoy it.

Taurus

Although, don’t drink too much you meet some tire fire of a human named Jeffrey, fall in love, get knocked up, have to give up a promising career as a perfumier, settle down in some armpit of a town so your husband can “work” at his dad’s lumber yard only to find out the woman who manages his schedule is also managing his pants after work. I can’t believe I wasted so many years with him. I can’t say I have regrets because I love my boys, but do you ever get a bottle of sauv blanc deep and start to wonder how your life could’ve been different? Lucky numbers are 3 11 20 53.

Gemini

Don’t tell me to calm down. I think it’s you who needs to calm down. What’s with this superiority complex anyway? You’re not that special. Yeah, you’ve got this whole air sign thing going on that makes you likeable and adaptable, but you’re kind of an asshole. Well, maybe that was harsh. You’re kind of self-involved. You gotta give before you can receive. Stop acting like everyone owes you a favour… Four glasses, why?

Cancer

I’m not crying because I’m sad! I’m just tired. But so are you. I can see it in those lifeless eyes. What’s that thing those lil' snapchat millennials say all the time now? You’re being extra? Is that what that means? I haven’t been cool since before we used the word “cool” to describe being cool. I was hip. Now I just have a sore hip from falling asleep on the sofa.You should always go to bed in your own bed. And drink three glasses of water after 7 PM. And get at least seven hours of sleep.

Leo

Okay, what do I have to do tomorrow? I gotta get the boys up for soccer practice. Who practices at 9 AM? Let these kids live their lives. I guess it’s nice they’re doing something though. They could be useless like their father. Well, maybe I let the boys sleep in tomorrow and that way I can get a lie-in myself. I’ll have to take these empties to the recycling though. My neighbours the Snoop Sisters will be counting how many there are in the bag again. As if I need them to keep tabs on me. I’m a grown woman. I know what I’m doing. So do you, Leo. Just, I dunno, give’r.