Encyclopedia Hearsay: Boston

The Encyclopedia Hearsay was founded on four principles: misinformation, rumours, half-remembered conversations and outright lies. Anyone can contribute so long as articles are written with no research whatsoever. If you are citing The Land Before Time as a source or abusing footnotes like David Foster Wallace, you are on the right track.

Boston is a city in the northeastern United States. It is located in Massachusetts and is home to racism, a ton of sports teams, a bunch of super high-end universities, and Good Will Hunting. It is historically famous for a bunch of events, including the Boston Tea Party, the Boston Strangler1, and potentially some witch trials2. Boston has no regional food, unlike other major American cities in the northeast3. I’ve never been there, but I’m pretty sure Boston is horrible.

Boston sports teams are infuriating. Well, I guess not the teams, but the fans4. Boston teams were some of the last teams to integrate, I think5. They frequently called Kevin Youkilis, former6 player for the Red Sox, Jew-kilis . They also currently7 call a wide receiver for the Patriots, Jew-ker8. 

Boston teams are also infuriating because they feel that they’re entitled to sustained greatness. The Patriots have won a bunch of Super Bowls since 2000, but that doesn’t matter because they’ve lost two to the Giants since. The Celtics won super recently too, but then lost to the Lakers9 in a Finals series when Kobe played horribly. Bring either of these points up to a Boston fan and you might get stabbed. They’ve also won the NHL and MLB championships this decade and yet Bill Simmons won’t shut up about what they’ve lost. I don’t so much cheer for teams these days. I just cheer against Boston. 

Boston is riddled with the most amazing schools in or near it. They’ve got Harvard, MIT, UMass, Holy Cross, BU, Boston College and a couple others I’m probably forgetting. The only things about these schools that I know come from The Social Network, 21, Stealing Harvard and the Pixies song “U-Mass”. 

Obviously the Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Casey Affleck crew came from Boston. They kind of don’t let you ever forget10. It’s okay though, because everything Boston-affiliated that they’ve done is pretty great. And they’re literally the best dudes11. I could easily imagine a scenario where we’re all, like, hanging out and we’re ribbing each other about the respective sports franchises we root for, and then we decide to go out for a beer, and we start telling each other our secrets, and hopes, and dreams, and then they ask me to move in with Ben and Jen, and work on their movies as a writer, and we take trips to Europe all the time, and… wait, where am I? 

encyclopediahearsay.com 

1. I’m about 40% sure this guy was just from Boston, but didn’t kill anyone there. Might not even be a real guy. I’ll Wikipedia this after I’m done writing this. I also initially typed this as the ‘Boston Stranger,’ which sounds like a lost John Mellencamp B-side.
2. There’s a Salem near Boston, but there also seems to be a Salem near a bunch of American cities.
3. Well, I mean, Philadelphia has cheesesteaks, Chicago has deep-dish pizza, New York has bagels. What does Boston have? 
4. To be fair, the majority of sports fans are just terrible, terrible people, present company included.
5. A source tells me the Washington R*****ns were the last team to integrate in the NFL, which, of course they were. Of course.
6. Maybe?
7. In 2013, mind you.
8. This one takes some explaining. Julian Edelman plays a similar sort of style to former Patriot Wes Welker. So he’s the Jewish Wes Welker or – affectionately? – Jew-ker. 
9. Which, as a Lakers fan, was like 20 Christmases combined.
10. Between them, they account for The Town, Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone, The Departed and the upcoming Live By Night.
11. I mean, I assume they are.

 

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