Encyclopedia Hearsay | The Beatles

The Encyclopedia Hearsay was founded on four principles: misinformation, rumours, half-remembered conversations, and outright lies. Anyone can contribute, so long as articles are written with no research whatsoever. If you are citing The Land Before Time as a source, or abusing footnotes like David Foster Wallace, you are on the right track.

The Beatles were a band comprised of four lovable lads from Liverpool(1). They are credited for basically creating good music by many generations of dads. They were fine. I mean, they had talent, and wrote a few good songs. But come on, can we get off their jock and stop celebrating every anniversary of every time they stepped in a studio and farted on a snare drum(2)? We get it; the sixties were 50 years ago. Fucking whoop. 

The Beatles had four members: John, Paul, George, and Ringo. I always assumed there was just one dude who was bestowed with the Fifth Beatle moniker, but Wikipedia tells me there was like nine different dudes who were called that. Not a very special title, guys! Pick one and get rid of the rest(3). Anyways, two of them were previous Beatles that were kicked out of the band(4), one was a piano player they took on tour, and the others were buddies/managers. 

The Beatles broke up in 1970 after Let It Be came out. They all kind of floundered for a bit, each still making music. The only one that mattered was Ringo, who buzzed his hair real short and starting wearing a dangly earring(5). Paul had been irrelevant for years by the time the band broke up so he’s been touting around Hollywood since. George collaborated with some people to remain relevant. He must have performed “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” about 50 billion times because it was the only song he wrote that got huge. John got killed by some psycho who wanted to be famous. 

The best thing the Beatles ever did was make a couple movies. Help is the best one of them, but it loses a lot of its lustre after you realize they didn’t actually all live together in a big house like they do at the start of the movie. Yellow Submarine was pretty trippy, but I’d still give it a miss. I’ve never seen A Hard Day’s Night, so I’m just going to assume it’s just a 90 minute version of the opening to the first Austin Powers

While the Beatles were a band, they decided to throw the European fans a bone and record some songs in other languages. One of them was "Gibt Mir Deine Hand," which is pretty fantastic. No one does this anymore except for that awesome Japanese version Chairlift did of one of their songs.

Fun facts(6):
• Eric Clapton stole all of their girlfriends at one point. Or the Beatles stole his. Not sure which. 
• The Beatles have made an estimated four million women faint, but half of these have been due to The Beatles Twist and Shout Rollercoaster and Don’t Let Me Down Drop of Doom. 
• The DC character Blue Beetle was originally based on George Harrison, but the character’s heroin use was too risky for children.

Long story short, Carry That Weight is the best thing they ever did. 


1. Scott Aukerman, 2012.
2. Adam Sandler’s character Pip, Airheads, 1994. 
3. Make it a boring, British, super white version of Battle Royale. 
4. Bummer for them. 
5. Sort of a proto-George Michael. Maybe Ringo is dead and George Michael took his place?   
6. I just realized none of these fun facts are “fun.”

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